Chemicals
by Watch Me Fall Apart
Summary: Lovino Vargas has had a hard life. Adding a mental disability to the list, well, brings its own problems. Just four years after receiving his medication, Lovi becomes addicted. Two years later, he's homeless, and his brother hates him. Can Antonio save him from his despair, and his addiction? Spamano. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1: Welcome to my life

**GYAAAHHH! Okay okay, prologue is short! But I didn't know how else to…put it. I hope you like it anyway! Second chapter will come out soon! **

Chapter One:

Prologue

When I was nine, I was diagnosed as a depressed bi polar. Now I'm fifteen, and I'm addicted to my medication.

My addiction didn't start right away though. It was when I was thirteen, and I'd refused to take my medication the night before. I had two backpacks packed and I tried to run away. My grandfather found me not long after though, and of course, I was in trouble. He forced me to take my meds, and an extra pill to top, saying something about how I was a disappointment and why couldn't I be more like my brother. I got upset so I locked myself in my room and took three extra pills than was necessary. And that's when it started.

I began to feel numb- blissfully numb. I didn't feel angry or sad or giddy anymore, I was just numb. The abnormal lack of emotion was amazing. An escape. I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. So I began to up the dose on a regular basis. At first, I was cautious, and only took one or two pills more than I was prescribed. I didn't let Grandpa or my brother go out to get my prescription anymore and to them I just seemed calm. I didn't fool them for long though. About a year ago, just a couple of extra pills wasn't enough. I began to take three to even five more pills at a time and that's when my brother started to notice a difference. I began to zone out, just sitting around and staring off into space, not acknowledging anyone or anything. I would also eat less- a lot less- and sleep a lot more. At first, Feliciano just thought I was becoming an anorexic. But one day he came into my room- which I had a strict rule with my family that NO one was allowed in my room- and found my stash of prescription bottles that I'd emptied and hidden. I was asleep on the couch at the time, and didn't know he found out until after Grandpa died a year ago. He was upset and lashed out at me. He told me he found the bottles, that Grandpa was right, that I was a screw up and a disappointment and how it was no wonder that he was Grandpa's favourite.

He moved out then, moving in with his boyfriend, Ludwig. I despised Feliciano for about seven months, hating him for leaving me, and loathing that he left me for the German bastard. But I didn't say anything. I just locked myself in my room and took my pills, gladly letting all my troublesome emotions disappear. Eventually Feliciano came back to me, crying because Ludwig had dumped him. He apologised to me- sort of. He said he was only coming to live with me until he found his own place and that he still thought I was going to hell and the usual verbal abuse he always fed me. I let him stay of course- he was my brother after all. Living with him was its own hell though. He wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my presence in any way, but when he did, he only cursed my name and called me a failure. I put up with it because he was still my brother.

About three months ago, after I'd failed to pay mortgage for almost a year, I was kicked out of my house. Feliciano had a friend waiting for him in a car- Kiku or something- and left me with my clothes and my drugs. I didn't have any friends, so I ended up in a community home and attended the nearby high school- I'd dropped out when Grandpa died. The volunteers were nice enough. At least they didn't call me a failure and a junkie cursed to hell. They helped me get a job at the local McDonalds with a fat ass boss named Alfred with an ego bigger than his appetite for the shit food I was forced to sell. All around, my life should have been looking up. But I was still upset over my family and continued to take my prescription to the next level.

Now, I am still at the community home with a steady job at minimum wage and a loner's life at school. And my addiction. You may be wondering, why don't I just quit the pills? Believe me, I've tried- being hated by your brother is pretty motivational when you take the time to think about it. The only thing is, I can't handle the emotions. I don't like feeling overwhelmed with anger or any other emotion without a reason. I don't like feeling out of control of myself. I don't like FEELING. It's just better for me to be numb.

So yes, I have tried to get off the pills. And no, I have not succeeded. Life's a bitch, huh?

Well, that's my past. Have fun reading the rest.

*signed

-Lovino Vargas


	2. Chapter 2: FML

"_GET THE FUCK UP!_

"A foot connected with my stomach and I made an "Oof" sound as the breath left my lungs. I sat up, spluttering, and glared at my attacker. He just laughed.

My lovely alarm clock was none other than Sadiq Adnan, the loudest and most annoying person I'd ever met. He's a Turkish exchange student at my school and seems to enjoy annoying the fuck out of me. And Herakles. Herakles is a Greek kid who goes to our school too, but he isn't an exchange student. Somehow, he just knows Sadiq very well… (almost too well if you ask me)

Anyway, back to my current 'predicament' (my English teacher challenged me to use larger words in my vocabulary) I glared up at Sadiq as I rubbed my stomach.

"Jeezus, you sleep almost as much as Herakles." Sadiq was saying. _'God, I wish.'_ I thought. Maybe that way I could get some decent rest. I stood up and shoved my pillow in his face.

"Damn bastard, it's only five in the morning!" I said in a loud whisper. Remember how I live in a community home? Yeah, that means I sleep in a giant cafeteria type room filled with about a hundred other people. And believe me, these people were _not_ morning people. Sadiq laughed loudly, seeming not to care if he woke the others. _'Idiot…'_

"I figured I'd do you a favor and come wake you up early enough to get a shower. You haven't looked too fresh this past week." He said, giving me a slap on the back. I glared at him again then looked around.

"Where's Herakles? There's no way you got here on your own." I said. Oh, fun fact, Sadiq is Herakles' exchange student. But it still doesn't explain how they know each other so well, since Sadiq has only been around for a month or two. And that being said, Sadiq didn't have his own car, so he depended on Herakles to take him everywhere. That didn't necessarily mean Herakles was always willing to take Sadiq wherever he needed to go. So it was priority for me to find the responsible one out of the two.

"Just check in the beds, I'm sure you'll find him somewhere." Sadiq laughed. Just then, a guy about three yards away sat up and threw _his_ (actual) alarm clock at Sadiq, getting him square in the head. I smothered my laughter as Sadiq rubbed his head and bent over to retrieve my school bag and begin my morning routine. (which already included showering, thank you) I grabbed Sadiq's wrist and dragged him away from the bedroom and kicking away any creepy hands as I walked. I was in my underwear, after all, and there were some real creepos in this place. I for one, didn't feel like getting raped any time soon.

As we reached the bathroom, I handed Sadiq my school bag and told him that if he didn't just stand there and hold it for me, I'd kick his sorry ass into next week (which was a big threat coming from wimpy old me) and walked inside. First, I walked down to the far end of the bathing rooms and picked my school uniform out of the dryer I shared with about seven other people in my row and carried them to the shower nearest the door. I hopped in and quickly turned on the water, squeaking as I was blasted with icy cold water. I don't care how long I live here, I will never get used to the lack of hot water. I washed quickly and dressed even quicker- creepos, hello- before walking out and brushing my teeth at the cleanest sink I saw. I walked back out and took my bag from Sadiq, slamming it into his side before I grabbed his arm and walked away again.

Sadiq and I walked out to the parking lot and spotted Herakle's car easily—it was the only neon green one there—moving quickly to get to it. Our sleepy companion was passed out in the driver's seat, leaning towards the passenger in his undisturbed sleep. I leaned through the window and slammed my fist into the horn. Cold shower coupled with cold winter air was not a happy time for wet hair. Herakles lazily blinked his eyes opened and waved at me. "Oh, hello Lovino." He said, his speech slow and languid as usual. I jabbed my thumb at the rear seats of his car.

"Can I get a lift to school?" I asked. Sadiq was already climbing into shotgun. Herakles nodded slowly and pushed the magical button that controlled the locks of the whole car and unlocked the back seat doors so I could get in. I gratefully climbed into his car and hugged my backpack for warmth. I was seriously not a fan of the cold, even though Bela claimed my hair to be a 'Winter' tone. I completely disagreed with him though.

The drive to school was a smooth one, since Herakles drives so slowly, and I think I actually fell asleep somewhere between the community home and the school. When we arrived, I can honestly say I really _really_ did not want to get out of that car. But as life hates me ever so much, Sadiq opened the door on my side and dragged me out of the car, claiming he was just being a good friend. _'Yeah, some friend.'_ I thought, yanking my arm away and walking into school.

There was a number of reasons I didn't want to go to school. For one, there were the bullies. Apparently I'm just an insanely easy target because I never see these guys picking trouble with any of the other pip squeaks like me—yes, I admit it, I'm short. Second, my brother attends the same school. And he is currently dating one of my bullies. Fun. And last but not least, because I'm gay. Why should this be such a huge problem? Well let me give you another fun fact. My brother and I attend an all boys' private charter school. It wasn't exactly a 'cool' thing to get all hot and bothered by another guy. At the very least, not to the sports teams (which of course took up most of the student body)

I walked with Sadiq and Herakles to their first classes before making my way to my own when I remembered something important. My eyes scanned the hallway and found a clock close by. There were only four minutes until the start of class. My classroom was about three rooms away. The bathroom was at the near other end of the hallway. Maybe if I hurried… no, there was no way I would make it to class on time. But it didn't matter. This mattered much more than getting to class on time.

Tightening my grip on my backpack, I sped down the hallway to the bathroom. Once there, I waited until I was positive there was no one there but me, and walked up to the sinks. A long mirror faced me as I set down my backpack and started rummaging around inside. A few seconds later, I pulled out a water bottle, and what I so desperately needed. My pills. I sighed deeply before shaking out a small handful of pills into my hand. About six or so. I swallowed them all, quickly, before chasing them down with my water.

I leaned against the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror and waited for the pills to take effect. It didn't take long, since they were prescribed. It took even less time now because I took so many. Either way, soon enough, I felt the amazing blissful numbness settle over my consciousness, making all my annoying emotions disappear. I sighed again, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the mirror in front of me. It was so relaxing to get all of those emotions off of my shoulders. I was so relaxed, I could practically fall asleep. Except…

God chose just that moment to ruin my life even more as another student walked into the bathroom and stopped dead, staring at me. I don't doubt I must've been a sight to see—prescription medication bottle in one hand, water bottle in the other, leaning against the bathroom mirror. I must've looked like some high-off-his-ass druggie. Hell, I was a high-off-his-ass druggie. I just didn't want everyone in the goddamn world to know it.

I opened my eyes and looked over to see the worst sight possible—and what was usually the most amazing sight in the world. Two deep, emerald green eyes staring at me in complete shock. Eyebrows plunged in shock straight into beautiful, dark hair. An open mouth of surprise lined by soft—I imagined—full lips and wonderfully tanned skin. The biggest crush of my life, Antonio Carriedo, just caught me getting high off my pills.

Fuck my life.


	3. Chapter 3: Life has its ups and downs

**Okay, so I forgot an Author's note last chapter, I was just focused on uploading it [lol?] **

**Anyways, FYI for you all, since Lovino and Feliciano attend an all boys' school, there is some genderbending in this story. It's only the girls, so it shouldn't bother you too much. And if it really does bother you so much, I suppose I could make one or two of the girls teachers at the school… IDK**

**Anywho, Read and REVIEW! I love hearing from you guys, honestly, it makes my life. XD Enjoy this chapter please!**

"Shit," I muttered, quickly shoving my things back into my backpack and pushing past Antonio, out of the bathroom. I don't care if I just left him there. I wasn't even exactly angry at the moment. I was still numb from my pills, and I would be for a while. That was the point of taking so many.

I ran to my class, dodging wandering students in the hallways, and took my seat far in the back. My teacher glared at me but didn't say anything. He was used to me being late. But my classmates weren't used to me being out of breath when I got there.

The student who sat in front of me, Gilbert Belichmidt, turned around in his seat and leaned against my desk. I leaned back in my chair. Gilbert is one of Antonio's closest friends and, like Sadiq, one of my annoyances. He grinned at me.

"Why so out of breath, Lovi?" he asked me with a smirk, "Did ya get caught doing something _naughty~_?" He wasn't far from the mark. I'd never tell him that, of course.

"No. And I told you to stop calling me that." I replied. I didn't want to put up with his silly antics, I just wanted to sleep. My medication was made to get rid of the bigger emotions, and taking them regularly usually made me a little drowsy. Taking them like I did now increased the drowsiness tenfold, so I usually fell asleep during classes. How I maintained my slightly above average grades was beyond me

Then the full weight of what Gilbert was implying hit me, and I blushed. I shoved his arms off of my desk and he flailed a bit, trying to catch his balance. I was amused, so I didn't mind his comment so much. Until he took my playful violence the wrong way.

"So I'm right!" he exclaimed, grinning mischievously at me and leaning even closer on my desk. I shrank back in my seat.

"I told you, I wasn't doing anything like that. I just got into a bit of trouble with a member of the soccer team, that's all." I said hurriedly. Getting into trouble with the soccer team was my usual excuse, because they usually still catch me before class to 'teach a faggot a lesson'. But it still didn't explain me being out of breath. I usually just walk into class like I was doing nothing more than getting a drink of water. So of course, this didn't fool Gilbert. But I was thankfully saved by our teacher, who told Gilbert to turn around in his seat.

I relaxed and pulled my bookbag onto my desk and settled my head on top of it, closing my eyes. I'd read the lesson in the textbook later. Right now, was peaceful sleep.

Usually, the way my school days go is a little like this.

1: Get to school  
2: Take my pills  
3: Go to class  
4: Sleep  
5: Get home  
6: Study

And that's all there is to it. Except today was different. Sure, my first class was a little abnormal because I was out of breath when I got to my seat, but that kind of stuff is minor and isn't really noticeable. You know what is noticeable? Gossip. Rumors. That kind of stuff. And if gossip is noticeable, the victim of the gossip is most definitely in the spotlight. Guess where I was today? In the center of the gossipmongers' stage.

I didn't really mind it at first. The people just stood by in the hallways and whispered to each other, shooting glances at me every so often. I could deal with that. I already did, considering my homosexuality. So I didn't know anything was up. Until I was approached. By the biggest gossipmonger in the entire school. Feliks Łukasiewicz.

Feliks was a guy like no other I'd ever seen. I'm pretty sure he's gay too—which makes no sense since everyone loves him—because when he's not in his school uniform, he's usually wearing a skirt. He's more like a girl than any other guy I've met before, even Francis Bonnefoy—that dude has some seriously long hair. Feliks even acts like a girl obsessed with gossip and clothes and, well, other girly things. I heard he even has his own pony.

Back to the point, today during lunch, the infamous Feliks approached me where I sat. I was surprised to see anyone at all, considering I sit outside in the courtyard by myself every day. Not to mention that I was being approached by one of the most popular students in school. Confused, I pretended not to know they were there—it usually got rid of them. (I say 'they' because Feliks brought his posse) But no. Feliks sat down right next to me and leaned a little too close for comfort. What was it with these guys and invading my personal space? You'd think they were the homosexual ones. I leaned away a bit and raised an eyebrow at Feliks.

"A little birdie told me you had an incident this morning." Feliks stated simply. He was trying to lure me out.

"Trust me, I'm way past pissing my pants. Why don't you go bother Peter if you're so intent on humiliating a bed wetter." I replied snarkily. I didn't really want to pick on Peter—the kid was nice, but he was seriously a scardie cat.

Feliks laughed, somehow finding that funny. "Oh, I don't mean _that_ kind of incident." He said, like he needed to explain it to me. He then held up a small orange bottle with a white lid that looked all too familiar to me. It was a medication bottle. I glared at Feliks as he spoke again. "I mean _drug_ incidents." He said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told him as I stood and threw out my lunch, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I never went anywhere without it. It had my entire life inside.

Feliks stepped directly into my path and his friends surrounded him, and me. "Oh, I think you do." He said, no longer playing games. "If it wasn't bad enough that you're a wimpy faggot, now you're a fucking junkie too? This school has a reputation, you know. We don't need shit cakes like you ruining it."

Somehow, my screwed up and chemical influenced mind chose only one part of those few sentences to pay attention to. "Shit cakes? That's the best you could come up with? What's next, an ass muffin? Watch out, this kid has a sweet tooth." I said, completely and totally making this entire situation worse for myself. But what could I say? Shit cakes was pretty funny terminology.

Feliks glared at me, though I'm sure I saw the kid behind him, Toris, laugh at my joke. Which made me crack a smile. Feliks looked like he was going to explode with rage, which was a hilarious picture if you really thought about it. I faced him directly. Hell, I might not be able to defend myself in a physical fight, but I had enough attitude that I could make one of these crazy teen guys cry. Feliks was no different.

"If you're so freaking concerned with your school's 'reputation', then I suggest you stop spreading shit about every guy who doesn't get into bed with you." Okay, I have to admit, that was a low blow. Even for me. But even I get carried away sometimes. Feliks took a step back from me looking like he was about to cry, bumping into Toris who was practically choking on his hand as he tried to smother his laughter. Eduard, who was standing half way next to me and half way in front of me had his jaw dropped in shock at my words. I smirked and took a step forward, lifting my hand to close Eduard's mouth. "See? This is why you never mess with the gay boy." I sneered and pushed past them as the bell rang for next class.

I'm sure as hell not some prissy, bitchy guy who likes to tear down his enemies emotionally, but I think that was the most fun I've had since joining this stupid school.

I'd say the rest of my day went by smoothly, but I'd be lying.

As the bell rang for last class to be let out and students started filing out of their classrooms, I was held back by a group of jocks from the soccer team. One of them—my regular bully and a major creep—stepped forward and ruffled my hair, grinning cockily. "I heard you had a little run in with Feliks earlier today." He told me in his thick, creepy Russian accent. I glared up at Ivan, beginning to feel anger. My medication must be wearing off.

"What of it?" I asked, my voice quiet. Please, I could deal with nitpicks like Feliks. Tall, menacing, I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass jocks—not so much.

"What of it?" He repeated, taunting me. "Have you already forgotten how to use your manners you fucking slut?" He grabbed the front of my shirt and lifted me into the air, about three inches off the ground. "I think we need to teach you a lesson in etiquette." He said menacingly. I looked around for help, trying to spot a teacher. But the classroom we were already in was completely empty besides me, Ivan, and his lackeys.

'_Oh well,'_ I thought with a sigh as Ivan raised his fist. _'I guess my victory was sweet while it lasted.'_

The rest was hell.


	4. Chapter 4: Miracles in my life

**DUDE! Okay, so I'm introducing two female characters [officially] in this chapter thanks to the suggestion of one of my readers. Although they aren't hung all over Spain like fancy jewelry, I did give one of them a surefire position in this story. So you guys can say hello to Hungary and Liechtenstein today XD**

**Please R&R! Critiques and IDEAS are **_**WELCOME!**_** Enjoi!**

Due to the little issue I had with Ivan and his buddies earlier, I'd missed my chance of getting a ride with Herakles again, so I had to get home by different means of transportation. Walking. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I've had to walk back and forth between school and the community center plenty of times. I just liked riding in cars better. But as my day was ever the shitty one, I was forced to walk home.

The walk wasn't long, about fifteen minutes, give or take a few. I walked into the community home and went straight to my bed. Okay, so it wasn't an actual bed, it was just a mattress on the ground. But it was as much of a bed as I'd ever get, so I didn't complain. I slumped into the mattress and closed my eyes, completely stressed out from today's events. And as my terrible luck would have it, I was torn from the first bit of peace I'd gotten all day long.

"Lovino Vargas, what in _God's name_ happened to your face?" a voice yelled from the foot of my bed. I jumped, startled, and looked up to meet the sight of Elizabeta Héderváry, one of the only girls I knew. I sighed dramatically.

"Lizzie, not now." I said, holding a hand to my forehead as if I was getting a headache. I didn't fool her though. She put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot expectantly, looking quite like a pissed off mom. I sighed again—less dramatically—and told her about getting caught by Ivan and his minions after school.

Elizabeta is a girl who attends my school's twin, an all girls' private charter academy. Since sometimes our two schools have field days together, we met at one of the activities. Somehow after meeting, she volunteered for the community home and happened upon me. She tried to make it sound like a coincidence, but somehow I got the feeling she planned it. She's not a weird creepy stalker, believe me. She's just the…motherly type. When we met, she kinda fended off Ivan when he was picking on me. I guess ever since then she's felt protective of me, so she almost never misses a single detail about my life. And yes, that meant she knew about my drug problem.

Back to the point, Elizabeta wasn't letting me get away without telling her who beat me up. So I gave her the short version.

"I had a bit of a spat with Feliks during lunch today and Ivan felt the need to make up for his loss. Nothing major." I said as she sat down next to me on my mattress and started to treat my wounds. (she always carries this pocket sized first aid kit, almost as if she expects me to come home broken and bloody) She looked up at me with an 'I want details' expression. So I told her about my entire fight with Feliks during lunch, to which she laughed her ass off. (Get this, she thinks shit cakes is a funny word too!) Then I told her about the fight with Ivan and all the painful details. She looked at me with a sad expression.

"So everyone knows now?" she said it like a question, but I didn't want to answer. I'm not sure what made her angry, but next thing I knew she was going into a rage. "And I can't believe that jerk ass Antonio would just tell the entire school like that. That's seriously fucked up." She said angrily, which made me feel even worse about what happened today. I scowled and looked away. "Oh…sorry…" she apologized. Yeah, she knows about my crush on Antonio too. I told you, she knows practically every detail of my life. Almost as if she'd been living it for me.

"No…it's okay. I mean, something like that was bound to happen sooner or later, considering _my_ luck." I said. If she started crying, I'd feel like a freak _and_ an ass. Not a good combination. "Hey, cheer up. It's not like your love life is going up in flames." I said as I nudged her playfully, giving her a smirk. She was currently dating one of the students at my school, Roderich Edelstein. The guy was huge into music, but kind of a priss. We had sort of an unspoken agreement where if I didn't talk to him, he wouldn't bully me. Rude, I know, but it worked.

Lizzie blushed and nudged me back. "Oh, speaking of, I have to go. Roderich says he's taking me on a picnic today." She said excitedly as she got up and walked to the edge of my bed again. I pulled a face and made a gagging sound and she laughed, which made me feel a little better. She wasn't crying, so it was a job well done. She waved as she left and I waved back before I lay back down on my bed and sighed deeply. Today really had been stressful. I reached a hand under my pillow and pulled out my cell phone to check the time.

Yes, I had a cell phone, but the thing was such an old dinosaur, I could barely do anything with it besides call. And who was I going to call anyways? I had no friends besides Elizabeta, and we had more of a face-to-face relationship. I just used the phone as my clock.

Speaking of time, I had to go to work in like, half an hour. I covered my eyes with my arm and frowned. I didn't want to go to work today. At all. But I had to get money so I could get out of this lousy community home and actually live in an actual house. It seems like a dream, I know. But it's the only goal I have in life right now and I'd be lost without it.

With a groan, I sat up on my bed and fished around in my backpack for my work clothes. As I pulled them out, I looked around to see if I could spot any creeps that might try to rape me. Seeing none—well, few—I took off my school uniform and put on my work uniform. Once dressed, I slung my bag over my shoulder and started out the door. I didn't have work for another hour, but it was a fourty-five minute walk there, so if I wanted to be on time, I'd have to leave early.

Since I'm considerate, I'll spare you the agonizingly boring details of my extremely long walk and skip right to when I got to work. Ah, good old McDonalds. A place where you can fatten yourself up and not feel self conscious because half the people there are fat too. There was no way in a million decades I would ever eat the high-calorie junk there. I'd rather eat my brother's pasta for the rest of my life than that crap.

Anyways, I walked into McDonalds through the employee entrance in the back and signed in on the boards before walking up to cash register and relieving the girl, Erika Vogel, from her post. Sweet little girl. She wasn't young so much as she was small, but I thought of her as a little sister anyways. She smiled at me as she left, which lifted my mood a little. I may not be into girls the way most guys were, but it was nice to receive some kindness after a long day of shit and drama.

I put on my worker's 'I-really-don't-want-to-be-doing-this-but-I'm-going-to-smile-because-it's-good-for-business' smile and worked my duty at the cash register. And just when the flow of constant customers was beginning to distract me from my terrible day, I got a slap in the face from God again.

Antonio, with his arm around a girl I didn't know, walked right up to me at the cash register with the goofiest smile on his face. If it weren't for the girl, and for what had happened this morning at school, I would've melted right on the spot. Truth be told, I still did a little bit. But since what happened happened, and Antonio was in fact with a girl, I felt like an anvil fell on my heart. (blame the anvil on watching too many Looney Toons) But I put on my fake smile, and took his order like any good employee would. The next five minutes were hell as he stood not three yards from where I was and waited for his food. I felt like I would cry any minute—depressed bi polar, remember?—and I absolutely hated it. Especially when Antonio kept looking over at me. I felt like he was purposefully trying to make me feel like shit for getting caught this morning.

I sighed and swallowed past the lump in my throat once Antonio left with his food and the girl and focused on the next customer, hoping to try and distract myself again. It was days like these that really gave you a wake up call. My life was absolutely shitty. I had no friends (I consider Sadiq and Herakles more of acquaintances) and no family and no home. I was possibly the most lonely person in the world. Especially when it seemed the biggest crush of my life wanted to flaunt that I couldn't have him every time I saw him. Even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I have a crush on him.

I worked the rest of my shift and clocked out at seven o'clock PM, which was the latest I was allowed to work. I walked outside and blinked, suddenly blind—it was already dark out—and stood around letting my eyes adjust. I instantly not grabbing my sweater out of the dryer this morning and wearing it to work. It was now a dark, freezing cold winter night that I'd have to walk home in. I should've asked Herakles if he could give me a lift home after work this morning, but the thought hadn't crossed my mind.

I shivered and rubbed my arms as I started to walk, not even really just to get home but to get my blood flowing. I'd freeze to death if I didn't. So I began walking toward the community home shivering with cold and practically being swept away with every gust of cold winter wind. I really, seriously hated winter.

About half way home, a car passed me on the road and stopped about ten yards up. Figuring they must be waiting for someone in one of the houses on this street, I thought nothing of it as I walked past the car. But when it honked at me, my curiosity was piqued. I turned around to see the most surprising sight yet today. It was Feliciano.

I walked back to his car and bent down in front of his window, tapping lightly on the glass. He opened it a bit so he could hear me.

"What are you doing?" I asked him. It wasn't like him to follow me like this. Or even get my attention if he was. He usually tried to avoid me at all costs.

"I figured you'd need a ride home." He said. Those were the nicest words I'd heard from him in years. I didn't question my luck.

"Thanks," I said as I was let into the passenger seat of his car. Believe me, I was totally confused. Why was he being so nice to me all of a sudden? I mean, I didn't hate it. I just wasn't used to it. And of course, him being my twin brother, he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Don't get any ideas, this isn't going to happen again." He said as he started driving again. "I just…I figured you'd need something nice today. After all that happened during…and after school." He said, glancing over at me. I doubt that no matter how well Elizabeta patched me up, she wasn't able to hide my black eye. I nodded and said nothing, just grateful that my brother was acting more like a brother. Even if it was just for one night.

Feliciano dropped me off at the community home, and just as I was getting out to leave, he stopped me by grabbing my wrist.

"Listen, Lovino…I don't…I don't hate you, okay? I just….never mind. Forget it. I'll, uh…see you in school…" he said and let go of my arm. I got out of his car and watched as he drove away, standing outside for a moment more even after he disappeared from sight before going back inside.

Maybe today wasn't as shitty as I'd first thought.


	5. Chapter 5: Life is weeeeird

**Okie dokie peoples. I know it's the middle of summer, but I miss winter [and its holidays] a lot, so guess what? IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME! Well, for Lovino, at least. XD**

**You guys should see what I have in store for Valentine's day *wink wink, nudge nudge* LOL**

**Anywho, Enjoy this chapter! **

**+…+**

The next day was a little more normal for me. I wasn't approached by Feliks again, but he was a little more rude to me than before our fight. I still got looks in the halls and people still talked about me, but like I'd said before, I was used to it. And as was the normal behavior for me, every time I saw Antonio in the halls, I started acting like a love drunk school girl. I'd hide my face somehow and keep glancing at him. And if I could get away with it, I'd stare. I know, it's creepy and weird, but give me a break. I probably liked this guy more than I liked anyone before, and that's saying a lot considering I have an insatiable romantic side. Hey, I'm Italian, what can I say?

I think the most abnormal thing that happened all day, was the annual Christmas announcement. Christmas was in about a week and a half, but since this was a full academy, we'd still have school. Thank God too. I didn't like being alone at the community home. Just when the usual announcements for Christmas were ending—the usual 'get somebody a gift' and 'remember the true meaning of Christmas' crap—a new announcement was made. This year, they'd be having a Snow Ball, combining both the girls' and the boys' schools for the dance.

I groaned and put my head in my hands. Elizabeta would want me to go for sure. I don't think she understood how humiliating it was to go to a formal dance like that without a date.

As if reading my thoughts, Gilbert turned around in his seat and leaned on my desk, much like yesterday, and said, "So who's your date, Lovi?"

I glared up at him and crossed my arms. "Stop calling me that." I said.

"Fine, fine, _Lovino_. Do you know who you're going with?" he said with a sigh. I rolled my eyes.

"They _just_ made the announcement, there's no way I have a date already. And besides, no one wants to go with me anyways." I made a face at Gilbert that said '_Duh_'.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," he said with a smirk, glancing over at someone across the room. I followed his line of sight and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Feliks? Uh, in case you hadn't noticed, he pretty much hates me now. Y'know, since I called him a slut yesterday." I said. I didn't actually call him a slut, but what I did say wasn't that far from it. Gilbert snorted and laughed. He had a weird laugh…

"Dude, Feliks has had a crush on you for like three months now. He's just really good at hiding it." Gilbert laughed. I looked over to Feliks again to see him staring at me. The second our gazes met, he glared at me and looked away.

"I think you're delusional." I said. No way Feliks had a crush on me. That was just…unreal.

"I'm not, I swear. I can prove to you that he's been crushing, big time." Gilbert said, determination in his eyes. I almost laughed. Why was he so intent on getting me to ask Feliks to the Snow Ball? I probably wasn't going to go anyways.

But either way, Gilbert and I spent the entire rest of the period debating on whether Feliks liked me and whether I should ask him to the Ball. At the end of class (after getting in trouble for passing notes and whispering and continuing to do so anyways) Gilbert had convinced me that Feliks was in fact crushing. But I in turn was able to convince him that dances weren't my thing and that it didn't matter if Feliks had a crush on me because I wasn't going at all.

The rest of the day went by smoothly, and I was able to catch a ride home with Herakles again. It seemed that everyone who considered themselves my friends didn't care about my drug problem. Either that or they were in denial, because they just pretended it didn't even happen. They still treated me normally and acted the same around me. There was no difference. Which confused me to no end. But still, who was I to complain?

+…+

I got to the community home in time to goof off for a while before going to work. I got a visit from Elizabeta again, and of course she wanted me to go to the dance.

"But there's no reason for me to go," I was telling her, following her around the building as she asked the residents for laundry—she volunteered as a 'laundry maid' as I liked to call her.

"There's plenty of reason for you to go." She said, taking her current load to the washing machines. "Chances are, you're more likely to pick up a boyfriend at the party than finding one normally. Someone always spikes the punch and people are always more horny and honest when they're drunk." I sighed at her poor logic.

"Yeah, but drunk people always regret their decisions in the morning." I said, pointing out a truth everyone knew. She waved her hand at me dismissively.

"Same difference."Lizzie said, turning on the washer and pulling laundry out of a dryer beneath it. "It doesn't matter because you're going."

I groaned, and started to explain to her _again_ that I was not going when she stopped me. "Come on, please? If you honestly can't find a guy to go with, I can get a girl to go with you as friends? I just wanna see you there, please?" she begged me, pouting and giving me overly sad eyes. The puppy face.

"Oh no, you are not gonna get me with that one. Not a chance." I said, crossing my arms and glaring past her shoulder. She knew I was a sucker for the puppy face and she used it to her full advantage.

"Not even if I get someone you know?" she said and sniffed. Ah, hell.

"Okay, okay, fine. I'll go with one of your friends or whatever. Just _don't_ cry." I said, finally conceding. I wondered if she knew just how much power she held over me.

Elizabeta instantly brightened, making my eyebrow twitch in annoyance. "Thank you thank you thank you!" she squealed, pulling me into a hug. I patted her back.

"Yeah yeah, just get back to your chores. I have to go to work now anyways." I said with a sigh and a small smile. No matter how much she took advantage of me, she never failed to brighten my mood. As weird and funny as that sentence just sounded.

I waved as I walked off back to my bed to get my work uniform and changed quickly, already behind the clock. Arguing took longer than people thought. I slung my bag over my shoulder and hurried out the door, jogging to work. I felt oddly energized today. Maybe it was a rebound from yesterday… oh well. I'd figure it out later. Right now, I needed to make money.

+…+

Short version of the longer, boring one: I went to work, I did my job, and I walked home again. (I remembered a sweater this time) And that still sounded boring, didn't it?

It didn't matter, because tomorrow would be enough interesting to set me for life. For example, I woke up that morning to a text. An actual text. To my phone. From someone else. Life was weeeeird.

Anywho, I reached under my pillow and pulled out my phone, flipping it open and opening the text.

From: unknown sender  
6:15 am.  
_'I have a surprise for you when you get to school today ;)'_

…

Either I had an actual stalker, or someone was messing with me. Beyond confused, I decided to take my phone to school with me today as I dressed and went through my normal routine. But it was a while before I came to that decision. As I went to take my shower, I decided to leave my phone here. Acting abnormally wouldn't solve anything. Getting back from my shower, I saw my phone on my bed and picked it up. I stared at it for nearly two whole minutes before I finally slipped it into my back pocket (with some difficulty. The uniform pants were pretty tight fitting…) and left the building.

Outside the community home, I was extremely (see 'insanely') surprised to find Bela waiting for me in his car. **[A/N: I genderbended our beloved Belgium because I felt the need to genderbend at least one female character. Instead of having Belgium be female and calling her 'Bella', I decided to have him a male and call him Bela, an actual Jewish-German name for boys. If anyone wants to find out what the name means, REVIEW or PM me XD] **I smiled and laughed at his sudden appearance and leaned down against his door as he opened his window to greet me.

Here's a fun fact for you all: Bela was one of my first crushes upon joining the boys' academy. He'd been an amazing friend and a good boyfriend, even though when we went out, he was only humoring me. I didn't mind though, because he was honest with me and still a great friend in the end. But sometime six months ago he and his older brother moved away from the district and our school. I was sad not to have gotten any contact information from him when he left, but I was still pleasantly surprised to see him.

"Dude, what are you doing here? I thought you moved away?" I laughed as he ruffled my hair.

"We did, but our family is on Christmas vacation so I thought I'd stop by to see you." He said with a smile. I don't care if Christmas was still a week and a half away, this was the best Christmas present ever. "Wanna ride to school?" he asked me and I nodded, hopping into the passenger seat of his car.

On the ride to school, Bela and I talked the entire time, catching up on what we'd missed with each other. I told him about Antonio and meeting Elizabeta—it was weird because he turned out to know her pretty well—and everything that had happened in school recently. He told me about his new school and life with his family and all the people he'd dated. I wasn't jealous. I'd gotten over Bela a while ago. But being friends with him would never change. I hoped.

He pulled up to the front of the school and sat back in his seat, smirking at me. I raised an eyebrow at him, still smiling (I was extremely happy to see him) and tried to open my door. It was locked. "Oh, come on. I'm gonna be late for class." I laughed, turning around to face him. When I turned around, I was greeted with a surprise I expected even less than getting a ride to school from him that morning.

The second I was facing him, he gripped my chin and pulled my face close to his, kissing me gently on the lips. I froze, sitting completely still with my eyes wide in shock for what seemed like five minutes before Bela laughed and unlocked the doors. "Just making sure you wouldn't forget me." He said as I broke out of my trance and got out of his car. I waved as he drove away and the second he was out of sight, my face heated up with a deep red blush and I held my hand to my lips.

Bela just drove me to school.

Bela just kissed me.

Bela just came back into my life.

+…+

But my little 'surprises' were far from over. Not all of them were so pleasant though.

The second I walked into the building, Principal Kirkland caught up with me and dragged me into his office. He didn't look angry with me. Just…concerned. Shit, so that meant word of my 'incident' (to use Feliks' words) had gotten to the staff.

"Lovino, do you know why you're here?" he asked me. I decided _not_ to be the good student.

"Here as in your office or here as in this school?" I returned his question with a question. His expression clearly told me to stop messing around, but I wasn't just gonna spill my guts to an adult, let alone this guy.

"If what I heard from the students is true, you could get expelled you know." He told me. I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Since when does the principal of a prestigious school such as this believe the words of gossip obsessed students?" I taunted him mercilessly. He glared at me.

"Since the students seemed genuinely concerned for your well being. Now, I'm hoping this problem can be solved, so I'm putting you into counseling with the school. Do not make me expel you, Mr. Vargas. Now get to class." He said and finalized the situation and conversation. He handed me a pass and I left his office, going straight to class. I skipped taking my pills, figuring it would be very suspicious if I came into class extra late.

Thankfully, the rest of my day wasn't so aggravating. But it was beyond surprising.

During first period that I shared with Gilbert, the silly German kept shooting glances at me and Feliks throughout the entire class. Toward the end as the students were filing out of the classroom, Gilbert smirked and winked at me from across the room, adding to my confusion. I had a feeling something was about to happen today, and I was afraid it had something to do with Feliks.

But first, I had an awkward lunch with Francis Bonnefoy.

I went to my usual spot and sat down and figured everything had gone back to normal. Or hoped, was more like it. Because not five minutes into lunch period, Francis came and sat next to me at lunch. Thankfully, he seemed to have the courtesy not to invade my personal space unlike everyone else so far. But he did intrude on my lunch.

"Bonjour, mon cherie~" he said to me as he sat down, facing me. I only understood one word, since he was speaking French and I only understood Italian and English and just a bit of Spanish. **[A/N: 'mon cherie' is a reference to my other story 'Sex Games' that features the pairing FrancexRomano. It's a good story. You should read it. XD]**

"Ah…hello, Francis." I said a little hesitantly. Okay, _why_ was he here? To be honest, he looked a little hesitant himself. I wondered what was going to happen…

"I'm sorry, this probably seems very random to you." He apologized. I nodded my head, signaling both that he was correct and for him to continue with what he was saying. "But, well, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to attend the Snow Ball with me." He said.

My jaw dropped.

He seemed pleased with my reaction, because he smiled and leaned against the table a little. I forced myself to close my mouth and make my brain work. Okay, so I wasn't entirely unhappy that Francis had asked me to the Ball. But, truth be told, the guy was kind of a creep. Like, the stalk you, send you anonymous love letters kind of creepy.

"I, uh, I'm…" I began, at a complete loss for words. "I'm sorry…but I already have a date…" I said finally, remembering Elizabeta's plan to hook me up with one of her friends for the night.

Francis was visibly disappointed and I felt kind of bad for the guy. But then again, he was creepy. "Sorry," I said, not wanting him to be too upset. He shrugged and smiled at me.

"Well, if you ever reconsider, my offer still stands." He said before standing up and walking back to his group of friends—which just so happened to include Gilbert and Antonio.

After he left, I didn't even have enough appetite to finish my lunch. I was just that thoroughly surprised. I never expected to get asked by anybody, let alone him. We barely talked to each other, how was I even one of his options? I was so freaking confused. But I pushed it from my mind as the bell rang and gathered my stuff, heading off to class. Today was just full of surprises so far.

+…+

Remember that weird and kind of creepy text I got this morning? Guess who it was from. Surprise, surprise! It was from Feliks. (how he even got my number in the first place was beyond me) You wanna know how I found out? Let's just say there was an unusual explosion of drama after school today.

As I was heading through the halls to find Herakles and see if he would give me a ride home, Ivan caught up to me and slammed me into the nearest locker. I winced as my back collided with the hard metal and looked up at the tall boy with a mixture of anger and fear. He smirked at me.

"Do you remember your manners now, _faggot_?" he sneered at me, pinning me against the wall. Fear battled with anger as I thought of some sort of reply—he didn't like it when I didn't answer—and unfortunately for me, anger won out. I spat in his face.

His usual, creepy smile took on a menacing air as he wiped the spit off of his face. I watched, unable to move and try to run, as he glared at me then raised his fist, much like the last time he caught me after school. He punched the side of my face, and I fell to the floor with the force of the impact. He loomed over me and kicked me in the gut while I was down, making me cough and splutter. I curled into a ball and prepared myself for his next attack, but it never came. Instead, a voice from down the hall called Ivan's name, and the captain of the soccer team stopped to face the interruption.

It was Feliks.

"Ivan, stop!" Feliks yelled, running up to me and picking me up off the floor. I stared at him in complete shock, then looked over to Ivan as the jock stared dumbfounded at Feliks. Apparently I wasn't the only one surprised here.

"Feliks, what are you doing? You know better than to touch trash like him." Ivan said, waving a bewildered hand in my direction. Feliks lifted his chin and glared at Ivan.

"If I were you, Ivan, I'd take a shower before calling someone trash." He said bluntly, and I snorted with laughter. Hey, this situation was way past weird, but what kind of teenage guy would I be if I didn't laugh at a bully insulting another bully? It was downright hilarious.

Ivan's jaw dropped in shock and Feliks grabbed my hand, dragging me away from the soccer player. I had just enough time to scoop my backpack off the floor before Feliks whisked me away. He dragged me out of the school and to his car where he got into the driver's seat. I stood by awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

"Well come on!" he said, motioning toward the passenger seat as he started the car. "Get in." I didn't think twice as I got into Feliks' car and closed the door as he drove away. Once we were on the road, the full impact of the situation hit me. I stared over at Feliks with a look of incredulity as he drove on.

"So it's true then." I said and he blushed. "You actually have a crush on me?" I asked, my voice tinted with amusement. I never thought I'd say it—or even think it—but I guess Gilbert was right. His face flushed an even deeper red as he glanced over to me in embarrassment.

"Don't say it out loud!" he scolded me quietly, blushing like crazy. I raised my hands in surrender. This was amusing. No, it was hilarious. Who would've thought the guy targeting to bring me down socially actually had a crush on me? Or that he would even save me from getting beaten up.

Feliks drove me straight to the community home—how he even knew I lived there, I had no idea—and parked around in the back of the building, away from the parking lot. Behind the building was a small road backed by a small forest of trees and such. I smirked at him as I had my handle on the door.

"Hey, thanks. For, well, everything." I said with a small laugh as I got out of his car. For some reason, Feliks got out too, and walked over to my side of the car and stopped me from going anywhere. I raised an eyebrow as he crossed his arms self consciously. "Uh…" I began, only to be shushed by him.

"Don't rush me, I'm thinking." He said, looking away and blinking rapidly. I leaned against his car and waited for him to say something. I didn't have to wait too long. "I, uh…I was the one who texted you this morning…" he said a few minutes later. "Don't ask me how I got your number though, it's a long and complicated story." He stopped me before I could even ask the question. I nodded and waited for him to continue. "And…uhm…I didn't get t-to give you the…the surprise…" he said quietly, his face burning.

I had a feeling it was more than just a confession that he wanted to give me, but I wasn't about to stomp all over his feelings. I opened my arms to him and smirked. "Well you can give it to me now." I said. Feliks came closer to me and leaned up on his toes—I was taller than him by a few inches—and kissed me on the lips, much like Bela had this morning.

"Just…let me do this…okay?" he said, and I raised an eyebrow. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

I watched in complete shock as Feliks got down onto his knees in front of me and started undoing my pants. "Whoa whoa whoa, what are you doing?" I said, covering his hands with mine as he started to pull down my zipper. He seemed annoyed that I'd stopped him.

"Don't stop me." He said, sounding peeved. "You know you want it too," his voice turned snarky as he undid the rest of my pants and pulled out my erection, which was hard by now. Hey, what could I say? Even if it was surprising, completely unexpected, and a little weird, I thought it was hot. I wasn't given much time to think about it though, because Feliks soon took my erection into his mouth and started sucking. I groaned quietly and bit my lip, looking down at the erotic sight of Feliks with my dick in his mouth. He bobbed his head a couple of times and I covered my mouth with my hands to keep from moaning too loud. We _were_ just behind the building where I and about three hundred other people lived.

After a few more minutes of Feliks sucking me off, I finally came into his mouth with a loud groan, biting the sleeve of my sweater. Amazingly, Feliks swallowed it all and stood up with a satisfied grin. My face flushed as I tried to put myself back into my pants quickly, the cold air starting to bite.

As Feliks drove away in his car, I ran a hand through my hair and let out a long breath. I wondered what happened that made me go from being the most hated student in school to the most wanted—sexually.

Life was weeeeeird.


	6. Chapter 6: Life in all of its surprises

**OMFG, LAST CHAPTER HAD SMUT! Lol, sorry I didn't warn you all in the beginning of the chapter, I forgot to update my Author's Note. **

**Isn't it amusing how dramatic Lovi's life has become recently? Don't worry, Lovino will still end up with Antonio in the end. I know exactly how it's going to work out too. God, I'm so tempted to spoil it for you guys. But I'll be patient. XD**

**Anywho, I'm gonna skip some time in between and get to the dance a little earlier than I'd originally planned, just because I have a devious plot for Valentine's Day. *gets tackled by Antonio***

**Antonio: Don't say anything, you'll ruin the surprise!**

**Fall: *nods and holds up a sign that says* ENJOI THE CHAPTER! XD**

+…+

Not wanting _anyone_ to get suspicious, I took the time to walk back around to the front of the building and walk in through the front doors. But of course, Elizabeta was there waiting for me with a hand on her hip and a smirk on her face. I swallowed back the adrenaline coursing through my veins and raised an eyebrow at her as if I didn't know why she was there. She sighed and rolled her eyes at me in a very patronizing fashion and walked off, not even saying anything to me, but continuing to smirk. It made me wonder if she knew what Feliks and I had been doing behind the community home.

I walked off to my bed as she made her way to the laundry room/shower room and I turned just in time to see her blushing with a look of pure, elated joy on her face. I nearly facepalmed. _'Great'_ I thought, _'She's fangirling.'_ I sighed heavily and started changing into my work uniform.

When Lizzie and I had first met, she'd gotten me to tell her right off the bat that I was gay. She freaking _squealed_. I was, of course, confused to hell and back and she explained a while ago that her pen pal from Japan introduced her to this thing that they called 'yaoi' and the wonders of gay boy sex. I had acted like she was crazy, even though I was amazed that people had fandoms for gay boys. And slightly jealous that she'd found it before me.

But back to the point—every time Elizabeta learned about one of my sexual adventures, she spazzed like it was nobody's business. And every time she spazzed, I would always be reminded of one thing.

Girls are crazy.

+…+

Work was normal for me that day. And so was the rest of the week. Somewhat…

During school, Gilbert and Francis kept looking at me with these weird smirks, like they knew something I didn't. I would ask—and I did—but I'd never get a straight answer, from either of them. Ivan had oddly stopped beating me to a pulp every time he saw me, mainly because he almost never saw me. I got the feeling he was avoiding me. For what reason, I had no clue. But I was glad as hell I wasn't coming home to Lizzie's first aid every day anymore. No offense to her.

And then there was Feliks. Whenever we saw each other, he'd give me this smug look and smirk at me, like he'd won me. I hoped he didn't expect me to take him to Snow Ball.

Now, don't get me wrong. All this…attention, I've been getting from Feliks and Francis and them…yeah, it's great. But it doesn't satisfy me. I want Antonio to pay attention to me. In some way, just acknowledge me… It's killer that he seems not to even know me. He smiles at me in the hallway, yeah. But other than that…he just doesn't know me.

I went through the week as normally as I could, considering all the recent drama. And in case you all are wondering, I am still taking my pills. Did you honestly think I would be sane enough to remember all this if I hadn't? I'd be suffering from withdraw symptoms. So to clear that all up, I've stayed on my pills the entire time. And I have a feeling I will continue to do so, no matter what my counselors think or say.

+…+

At the end of the week, it was the night of the Snow Ball. Elizabeta had gotten me a date, but she refused to tell me who it was. And no matter how much I argued, or how plain _logical_ I was being, she would not tell me who she set me up with. I think the enjoyed the whole 'blind date' aspect of it, even though she knew I wasn't into girls.

Lizzie even wanted to go out and get a suit for me. But I told her that I already had one. She seemed surprised, until I took it out from its hiding place in my pillow case and showed it to her. The story behind the suit was that it was the only thing I'd inherited from my Grandpa once he died. It was a nice suit, though just a tad less formal than what we were expected to wear at the dance. I didn't care, and Elizabeta said I'd be the most kick ass looking guy there.

My suit was black with white pin stripes on the pants and coat. I wore a deep burgundy red button down shirt underneath my coat and left it untucked and my coat unbuttoned. The suit was ironed to crispness by Elizabeta and I even got a pair of brown dress shoes to go with it. Out of my bag, I got the black pin striped fedora that went with the suit, and Lizzie added her own touch by sewing on a white ribbon around the base. She said I didn't need to do anything to my hair, that it already went with the style of the suit and we left it at that. She said I looked 'stunning'.

But Elizabeta looked even more stunning than I in my suit. The dress she picked out was gorgeous just on the hanger. When I actually saw her wear it that night, I didn't even recognize her at first—her being such a tomboy and all. The dress Lizzie wore was a long, ankle length dark green velvet dress with wedge sleeves and a silk ribbon around the neckline, which was flat all around. The fabric was form fitting and there was a slit in the fabric that ran almost all the way up her right leg. She wore a green lace garter that came with the dress and her hair was clipped back loosely to leave hair framing her face, yet still make it look like she worked on it for hours.

When Roderich pulled up in his car to pick up Elizabeta, I got the idea that they planned their outfits. The deep purple tux he wore complimented Lizzie's dark evergreen dress perfectly. Just before they left, Liz told me the name of my date, and what color dress she was wearing.

…Michelle.

+…+

The lack of car signed to my name forced me to walk to the dance, which was being held at the girls' academy. And a reminder to you all, I'm used to walking. So the extra fifteen minutes it took to get to the twin of my school wasn't a bother at all. And when I say _twin_, I mean it in all aspects of the word. The girl's school was so similar to the boys' that I could find my way around the building easily without getting lost. I could even find the cafeteria, where the dance was being held. Well, the dance was being held in both the caf, and the courtyard outside.

At the entrance to the cafeteria, there were two groups separated. There was a line for registration, and then there was a group of people off to the side, probably waiting for their dates. I spotted Michelle easily. She was wearing a lapis lazuli blue dress made of a silk-satin mix fabric. It was a strapless dress that hugged her form to the waist then flared out in ruffles to about mid thigh. She had her long, dark brown hair clipped up on top of her head and had only a couple of locks to frame her face. She wore a white and blue pearl necklace and a white rose corsage, topped off with blue heels.

I knew it was her because Elizabeta had said she'd be the shortest one there. And she was. But she still looked amazing.

I approached her with a shy smile and she looked up hopefully. "Michelle?" I asked and she smiled.

"Yeah. Are you Lovino?" Michelle asked in return. I nodded and she laughed quietly, sighing. "I swear, I love Elizabeta, but she likes surprises way too much." She said, putting her hands on her hips and looking up at me. There was something in her eyes…I couldn't tell what it was though.

"Well, I promised Lizzie I'd make this the best night of your life, so," I said with a smirk as I held out my arm, which Michelle took in hers with a laugh and a blush. We signed in and made our way into the cafeteria as the music reverberated through the entire room. I let Michelle pick which songs to dance to and when to relax. She seemed generally happy for most of the night. And I was too. Until I saw something terrifying.

Antonio walking into the cafeteria with Feliks by his side.


	7. Chapter 7: Why is life so complicated?

**ALRIGHT! I know I haven't updated as frequently as I would have liked, but I will pick back up really soon. As in, like, now. XD**

**WARNING: I know the story has been funny and quirky and- ahem- sexy so far, but it's about to get a little depressing fairly soon. But don't worry! It will only pull Antonio and Lovino closer together. **

**Feliciano: *tapes my mouth shut* You really need to learn when to stop talking.**

**Me: *shrugs and lifts up shirt to reveal body paint* ENJOY THE CHAPTER!**

+…+

Okay, so I know drama has been pretty messed up lately, but I have _never_ seen something as messed up as that. I mean…I thought Antonio was into girls! Unless, of course, Antonio thought Feliks was a girl. But then there would be the question of why the hell was a girl going to our school?

Anyways, I had completely forgotten about Michelle, staring at the two as they walked onto the dance floor—hell, I think _everyone_ was staring at them—until she pulled on the sleeve of my coat. I blinked out of my shocked trance and looked back to the stunning girl in front of me that did nothing whatsoever for my sexual desires. I blinked and said the stupidest thing possible. "What?"

Michelle huffed and glared at me a little. "What are you staring at?" she asked me. Now I know what I said was stupid, but was she seriously blind? I was staring at what everyone else in this place was staring at—well, the guys at least. I shrugged nonchalantly, as if it didn't matter.

"Nothing." I said, as if it was really nothing. Though my conscience (or at least that's what I think it was) was running around my head screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" like the little maniac he and I are. Michelle huffed again and started heading for the refreshments table.

"I'm going to go get some punch." she stated simply, walking off and leaving me in the middle of the dance floor looking like a total idiot who just pissed off his date. And to make myself seem like even more of a douche bag, I shrugged to myself and walked off in the opposite direction, not really heading anywhere. Well, that was until I was bowled over by a certain obnoxious albino…

"Hey Lovi! Where'd your cute date go?" he asked me, slinging an arm over my shoulders and leaning the most of his weight against me. My knees buckled under his weight and I threw him off of me, which resulted in him stumbling and almost falling over, much to my amusement. I looked Gilbert over, taking in his appearance. He was wearing a light lavender purple button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a white dress vest over top, coupled with white dress pants and black shoes.

"She went to go get some punch." I said simply, trying to smother a grin. Even if Gilbert was fucking annoying at times, it was beyond hilarious how clumsy the guy was. It was like watching a cat with no balance whatsoever. I raised an eyebrow, though, as the older boy started chuckling devilishly, casting mischievous glances over to the refreshments table.

"Well you better hope she doesn't drink too much. I spiked the punch with a bottle of vodka that I borrowed from Tino." I raised both of my eyebrows at this. Yeah, I knew Tino, but not that well. He and I are so different, it was always awkward when I tried to talk to him. He's so damn shy all the time. And, hearing that he lent a bottle of vodka to Gilbert—and that he had any at all in the first place—kind of changed my image of the boy. But putting that aside, I pulled a face at the German in front of me and put a hand on my hip.

"You have to know that was a terrible idea, right?" I laughed at him and he shrugged. Hey, annoying or not, there are times when he's fun to joke around with. I sighed and rolled my eyes at him, just as a certain blonde Frenchman attacked me from behind. Okay, so he didn't really attack me, he just wrapped his arms around my shoulders and half molested me.

"Lovino, you're so cute mon cherie~" Francis giggled, pulling my hat from my head as I tried to wiggle from his grasp. I don't care how hot he is—yes, I admit it—I didn't want to be touched by that French pervert rapist.

"I'm not cute," I huffed, once I finally pried his arms from my shoulders and stood back to glare at him. My glare soon transformed into a look of awe as I took in the older boy's appearance. He was wearing a simple, deep blue button down shirt with the first three buttons undone, and a black dress jacket on top. He had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the shirt was untucked from his black dress pants. His outfit was much like mine, but it looked so much better on him than mine could ever look on me, I was instantly jealous. And a little 'bothered' by his appearance, especially with my hat on his head. I blushed and glared again, angry at my reaction. "And give me my hat back." I said, leaning to reach for the fedora.

That was a bad decision on my part, as Francis grabbed my arm and pulled me close, making my blush increase tenfold. "Not until I get to dance with you~" he cooed and I continued to glare.

"Why would I want to dance with you?" I asked him stubbornly, glancing to Gilbert for help. He was just standing there watching with obvious amusement in his eyes that made me want to kick him. Being so close to Francis was making me feel awkward and flushed, and I didn't exactly like it. I mean, hell yeah he was hot. And he looked particularly sexy at the moment. But I didn't really have eyes for him.

Francis smirked with a knowing look in his eye, that instantly made me suspicious. "Because if you do, I'll help you get a dance with someone special." He practically sang. I saw his eyes flick over to the side, not quite looking at Gilbert but a little past his head. I turned and followed his gaze, my own eyes widening as I saw Antonio standing with Feliks and his group of friends. My face flushed even more impossibly red as I jerked my arm from Francis' grip.

"Absolutely not." I said. Hell yeah I wanted to dance with Antonio. Even being close to him would be satisfactory for me. But there were a certain few reasons why I wouldn't agree to Francis' terms. One, he was a pervert rapist, and would probably try to drag me off to some dark secluded room to rape me. Two, I seriously doubted he would actually hold up his end of the deal. And three, I was still nervous to be around Antonio because of what happened in the bathroom that time.

"Ah, come on. You know you want to~" I whipped my head around to glare at Gilbert. Why was he helping Francis in this? _Uhm, probably because Francis is his friend and you aren't?_ Shut up, voice of reason. Still, I backed up a bit, noticing how the two of them were getting suspiciously closer to me. Eventually my back hit a wall, and I was cornered on both sides by Francis and Gilbert who were grinning like they'd just caught a poor helpless kitten. And the sad part was, I felt like a poor helpless kitten too.

"Really, I don't. You don't have to worry about it. I need to get back to Michelle anyways." I said, trying to find a way to squeeze past them. I was seriously fearing for my virginity at the moment.

Thank God though, because just then my very dependable and _very_ over protective friend saved me. "Lovino! There you are!" Elizabeta called, running towards us through the crowd. I noticed how most of the crowd got out of her way as she walked though, many people staring in awe at her beauty. If I wasn't so freaking gay, I'd be staring too. But yeah, I'm still a faggot.

Francis and Gilbert even moved out of the way as Elizabeta got to me and grabbed my arm, the biggest grin on her face. "Isn't this place great? I told you it would be fun!" she said, looking like she'd just won the lottery or something. I swear I've never seen her this happy before. She looked around then as I didn't answer, her smile faltering slightly. Uh-oh…

"Where's Michelle?" she asked. Shit…fuck shit dammit. This wasn't gonna be good.

"She's getting punch." I said weakly, glancing over and not finding the young brunette by the table anymore. I was so freaking dead. Elizabeta glanced over at the table too and frowned, before turning her gaze back to me and putting a hand on her hip, her other hand gripping my arm tightly.

"What did you do?" Elizabeta asked, seeming a little angry. I felt slightly hurt, that she would immediately blame Michelle's distance on me. Because apparently, all guys were douche bags and never treated their dates right.

"I don't know, honestly. I was just looking around, I swear!" I said, trying to convince her that I didn't piss Michelle off so she wouldn't kill me. The girls were always so protective of each other, it was almost a little scary. Elizabeta glared and her grip on my arm tightened, causing me to hiss in pain. "Okay, okay, so maybe I wasn't just looking around." I said and she only squeezed tighter. "I was staring at Antonio, okay! You caught me, I'm an evil bastard, now will you please stop trying to break my arm?" I rushed out, close to begging. Whatever people said about guys being physically stronger than girls was a load of shit. She could break my arm without so much as a bat of her eyelashes if she wanted to.

Elizabeta sighed and let go of my arm, and I instantly rubbed the skin where I was sure a bruise would appear tomorrow. Damn girls and their motherly instincts. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes and you're already pissing off your date." She said exasperatedly and I pouted a little.

"Hey, everyone else was staring too. Did you see who he walked in with?" I pointed out, subtly trying to change the subject of conversation. She would start yelling at me if I didn't distract her soon.

Elizabeta blinked and looked at me in confusion before looking around the room for a minute before finally spotting Antonio with Feliks and his whole crew. Her eyebrows raised in what I took to be shock and she looked back down at me. "Why is he with Feliks?" she asked me and I shrugged, signaling that I knew about as much as she did on that one. Why Feliks would even agree was beyond me.

Suddenly, my best friend got a big, mischievous grin on her face, and I knew I wasn't going to like what she said next. "You want me to spy for you and get an inside scoop?" she asked. Yep, I really didn't like it.

"Spying isn't nice. And what if you get caught?" I replied, pointing out helpfully that it was a possibility. She rolled her eyes at me and I sighed. Yeah, she got me there. Elizabeta was probably one of the best people you could go to when you needed the dirt on someone else. She could weasel her way into any circle and get anyone to spill their guts to her—me being no different. She would most likely be able to figure out what was going on with Antonio and Feliks too. I sighed.

"Fine, just don't tell me anything until tomorrow." I said and she smiled, giggling happily. Did I mention that she loves being the sneaky little bitch she is? She thinks it's amusing that people just tell her anything and everything about themselves because she simply asks. She says it's her feminine charm. She started walking back off again, and I noticed Roderich a little ways off. Remembering something, I called to her. "And don't drink any of the punch! It's spiked!" She waved to signal that she'd heard me before disappearing back into the crowd with Roderich.

Well, that was one bit of drama already blown over. I wonder what would happen next. (Un?)fortunately for me, I didn't have to wonder much, because just as I turned around to walk off again, I was attacked by Francis…again. This time I practically ran right into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and grinned down at me. I glared at him.

"Please?" he pleaded, his expression bordering on puppy eyes. "Just one dance?" I noticed the lighting changing, dimming and slowing slightly, as a slow song for couples was put on. I really didn't want to dance with Francis, especially not to a slow song. But he would only keep bothering me if I said no, and if I agreed later, it could be a really dirty song that might encourage him to do more than dance. I sighed in frustration and glared at Gilbert who was chuckling a few feet away.

"Fine, but only one." I said, grudgingly allowing a dance with him. He smirked and pulled my arms to his shoulders. Blushing, I linked my fingers behind his neck and he put his hands on my hips, pulling my body close to his. I glared off to the side, my face feeling hot as I knew it was red. I only hoped the dimmed lights would hide the bulk of it.

We swayed gently to the song, it being slow and languid. I was content with it, seeing as we weren't drawing that much attention. And by 'that much' I mean the entire room wasn't staring at us. Only most of the people around us. Most of the girls were giggling and pointing, whispering to each other. The guys were either staring in shock or glaring at me—not at Francis, only at me. For some reason though, I didn't really care that much. I usually hate it when people stare at me, but it didn't matter at the moment.

The moment was ruined, however, with my loud and surprised (and manly!) squeak as Francis' hands moved from my hips to my ass, groping me slightly. My face burning red, I glared at Francis and tried to pull away from him. But seeing as I was a wimpy little weakling, Francis was stronger than me and held my body in place, if not pressing us a little closer yet again. Still blushing, I glared down at the floor. _"Francis,"_ I hissed, emphasizing how uncomfortable I was with the situation.

He only laughed at me and leaned down to press a kiss to my neck. I shuddered slightly, telling myself it was from disgust, but knowing it was quite the opposite. "Don't fret, mon cherie, the song is almost over." He said, placing my hat back on my head. That made me feel a little better, and I would've relaxed altogether if it weren't for the French bastard's hands on my ass.

Thankfully, the song ended just a few seconds later, and I immediately tried to pull away from Francis. He held me still for just a moment to say quietly in my ear, "Thank you, Lovino," before letting me go. Still blushing, I backed away a bit and rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, not knowing what to say to him.

Eventually, I opted for my trademark "Bastard," and walked off, my face burning. I could hear him laughing as I walked away and felt my blush spread to my ears and chest.

I pulled my cell phone from my back pocket (ever since that text from Feliks, I've started carrying it around more often) and checked the time, seeing that it was almost ten, and almost time for the dance to end. I started making my way to the doors that led onto the courtyard and walked outside, breathing in the cold fresh air gratefully. It had gotten a little too uncomfortable in a place completely filled with people. As I stepped outside, I noticed two people standing off on the far side of the courtyard. I recognized one of them to be Feliciano.

Keeping quiet, I listened to the two—the other being Ferdinand, Feliciano's boyfriend—as they seemed to be having an argument. Feliciano looked really upset.

"Don't lie to me, Ferdinand, I _saw_ you with her! You told me that you were gay!" Feliciano yelled at his tall, blonde boyfriend. I inched into the shadows, trying to hide my presence and not interrupt their fight.

"Feli, I am, what you saw was completely innocent," Ferdinand was explaining to my brother as I watched. Feliciano threw up his hands in frustration and walked off a bit before coming back and jabbing a finger in Ferdinand's chest.

"Now don't you lie to me you _fucking whore!_ I know what I saw, and it was _far_ from innocent. You were fucking _raping_ the bitch! Do you even understand what the fuck you did? You're such a piece of shit, I can't believe I actually liked you!" Feliciano growled viciously at Ferdinand, who watched in shock as my little brother cussed him out for being with a girl. I honestly wasn't that surprised. I've seen Feli get like this, but only when he was drunk. I blinked and sighed mentally. He must've gotten into the punch.

Ferdinand was silent for a moment, composing a reply, when Feliciano lost his cool and slapped the guy. And me, being the 'responsible' older brother, lost my resolve to stay silent and out of the way. I approached my brother and called out, "Feliciano!"

Their heads snapped in my direction, but I didn't let nervousness or regret reach me as I continued to near my brother. I could easily tell he was drunk now and was mildly concerned for his health. "Feliciano, I think that's enough. Leave him alone." I said. I didn't know what happened, and honestly, I didn't want to know. All I really knew is how violent Feli got when he was drunk, whether it was verbally or physically. I would know, having been on the receiving end of his violence many times.

Feliciano looked shocked for a good moment more before his anger flared up again. "What the fuck are _you_ doing here?" he asked (yelled at) me. I set my gaze hard as I walked up to Feliciano and grabbed his arm, starting to gently pull him away from Ferdinand who looked beyond confused at this point.

"I'm making sure my little brother doesn't get into any fights." I replied bluntly as I started pulling him away. I knew what his car looked like, and I'm pretty sure I'd be able to grab his keys if I was sneaky. I just needed to make sure that he wouldn't get in a fight and that he wouldn't be driving tonight.

"I don't need your help, lowlife. You're not even a brother to me! You're just junkie street scum! You're a total fucking _druggie_!" he yelled at me, and I tried to ignore his stinging remarks. And in a fit, he pulled his arm from my grasp, shoving me a bit, and backing up to glare at me and Ferdinand. "You're both pieces of work! You should be damned to hell!" he screamed before taking off, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes.

"Feliciano! Wait!" I called after him, about to go after my brother, when I felt a large, firm hand on my shoulder, holding me back. I turned my head to see Ferdinand gripping my shoulder and glaring down at me.

"You fucking faggot, this is your fault!" he yelled at me, and I looked at him with an expression of incredulity.

"My fault? If I'm not mistaken, _you_ were the one cheating on _my_ brother." I said with a snide tone, jerking my shoulder from his grasp. He tried to take a swing at me but I ducked just in time and dodged out of the way, putting a good yard or so between us. "You stay the fuck away from Feliciano!" I yelled at him, before turning on my heel and running off after my brother in the direction I saw him go.

I spent a good fifteen minutes to a half an hour just looking for either my brother or his car, but I couldn't find either. I sighed in frustration, hoping he was safe, before starting back home. But not before texting Elizabeta and letting her know I was leaving.

Back at the community home, I took off my suit and folded it back up, burying it in the bottom of my bookbag again before collapsing on my simple mattress and passing out almost instantly, tired from all the drama. Really, if I didn't get some serious sleep soon, I'd go insane. And an insane me is something no one wants to see.


	8. Chapter 8: A Wasted Life

**GAH! I'm so sorry! I've been going through a lot of shit lately, I'm so freaking sorry for not updating at all. God, it's been MONTHS! I'm seriously sorry guys. Here, a special treat for you, THE NEXT CHAPTER!**

**Yeah, I know, it shouldn't have to be special, but it is anyway, so get over it. **

**Enjoi!**

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, it was around noon. Not that I was complaining. I was so fucking relieved that I got more than a couple of hours of sleep. I sat up on my bed and stretched, groaning slightly. I slouched and blinked a few times, looking around. The community home was almost completely deserted. Then I remembered why. It was Sunday. Most of the religious type around here went to church today, so the community home cleared out. That was the day when the staff took the opportunity to clean up.

I stood up and grabbed my weekend clothes, pulling them on. I had a brown t-shirt with a tomato on the front, and dark green cargo shorts. I slung my backpack over one shoulder and walked out of the community home, going to walk somewhere and try to find something to do. I pulled out my phone and texted Elizabeta.

_'Hey, just woke up. Won't be home today.'_ The text read and I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I was just gonna walk around and hopefully find something to do when I heard a car honk at me from behind. I turned around to see Bela cruising up beside me. I grinned and stopped just as he stopped, leaning down to talk to him through the window.

"How's it goin' man?" he asked me with a smile.

"As good as it can get." I replied, leaning against the car door. It was always good to see Bela. He seemed to lift my mood no matter what situation I was in, which was huge if you thought about it. He laughed.

"I wanted to talk to you. Wanna go for a ride with me?" he asked, nodding toward the passenger seat. I nodded.

"Sure." I said and got into his car, sitting in the passenger seat beside him. Once I was seated and he started driving again, I asked him, "What did you wanna talk about?"

Bela kept driving in silence for a moment, confusing me. Rather than persuing the topic, I decided to keep to myself and wait for Bela to talk. He usually didn't get quiet unless he was thinking about some pretty serious stuff. I wondered what the hell could be so serious that he wanted to talk to me about. I mean, our relationship wasn't really a serious one anymore.

We drove on like this for about fifteen more minutes, until Bela pulled over by a bridge. He turned off the car, and stayed silent for a moment more. I stared at him during this time, trying to understand what the hell was going on. I mean…Bela just came back into my life like, what, a week ago? After a couple of years of being gone. I didn't know what was going on and I didn't know what the fuck to do. I actually kind of felt like getting out of the car, dreading the conversation ahead.

"Lovino, remember when I kissed you a week ago?" he asked me suddenly. I almost jumped in surprise, he'd been so freaking quiet beforehand.

"U-uh, yeah. Why?" I said, fidgeting slightly. Oh god. I hoped this wasn't going where I thought it was going.

"Well… I wanted to ask you, Lovino…will you go out with me again? I know that before, I only said yes to you to be a good friend. But, I guess, being away from you for so long…I started missing you. And I kind of came to realize that I've fallen for you. All of you." He said, completely out of the blue.

I blinked. And blinked again. I was quiet for a long time, just like Bela had been, trying to process what my old friend had just said. He just…asked me out. Great. Just great. How was I going to tell the guy no? I mean….Damn it this was screwed up.

"Bela…" I said, trying to figure out how to say it gently.

Before I knew it, Bela leaned over in his seat and his lips were pressed against mine again. Shocked still, I didn't react, and Bela took the kiss a bit further. He pushed a hand into my hair, his fingers brushing my wayward curl. Unbidden, a moan passed my lips and I sucked in a breath. "Bela-" I tried but he kissed me again. No…I didn't want this.

I pushed against Bela's chest until he stopped kissing me, looking at me with a confused expression. I tried to catch my breath for a second, not meeting his breath, before I said to him,

"Bela…I'm sorry, but I just don't like you like that anymore. It isn't you, I swear. I just…I have someone else…" I said, still not daring to look at his face. I can't believe it. This was insane! I mean, the guy just reappeared out of nowhere and asked me out even more suddenly. I was lost, and a little hurt myself. I couldn't believe he would try and do something like this to me. He knows I'm not good with people and saying no.

"But, Lovino-" he said and I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, Bela, but the answer is no." I said. I got out of his car and started walking back the way we came. My mind was racing. That came out of fucking nowhere! And I didn't even know what to do now. How was I supposed to talk to Bela after that? How was I supposed to face him? I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, stopping for a moment to look up at the sky. It was cloudy out, the sun completely hidden by a blanket of grey. Darker clouds could be seen off in the distance, and I could tell it was going to rain.

I decided not to think about it, and checked my phone instead. I had two texts. One from Lizzie, and one from Feliks. I checked the one from Feliks first.

_'Hey, you wanna hang out today? :3'_ the text said, and I thought about it for a moment before going to read the text from Elizabeta.

_'Hey, I got your dirt on Feliks and Antonio from last night! It turns out that they only went together to make you jealous } ]'_ the text read. Now this was interesting.

_'Who was trying to make me jealous?'_ I texted her back immediately, wanting to know. Oh my god, if it was Antonio…I'd fucking die of happiness. I started walking again, looking around to see if anywhere was familiar to me. I saw a Wendy's, a music store, and a couple of oddball stores down the street, but nothing that looked too familiar. I walked into the Wendy's and looked around. It wasn't very busy. I checked my wallet to see if I had enough money for something before walking to the front counter and ordering a small meal.

I sat down at a booth by the windows and pulled out my phone again. I stared at the text from Feliks for a moment before texting him back.

_'Sure. I'm at Wendy's'_ I sent and closed my phone again as my order was called. I grabbed my food and ate, keeping an eye on my food to see if anyone texted me back. I was hoping Lizzie would text me. I really wanted to know who was trying to make me jealous.

"Lovino!" I heard my name called and I looked up from my Baconator to see Feliks walking towards me. I set down my food and smiled at him, putting my phone in my pocket.

"Hey Feliks, what's up?" I asked him with a smile. I hoped this wouldn't go like things went with Bela. As much as I act like it, I really don't like breaking peoples' hearts.

"I am _so_ bored. There's, like, nothing to do on Sundays." He said as he sat down across from me in my booth. He took one of my fries and laughed when I frowned at him. As annoying as the way he talked was, he was kind of okay to be around.

"I know. I usually just sleep all day." I said with a grin as I took another bite of my burger. Feliks grinned at me, and he seemed genuinely happy to be around me. I guess he was a cool guy, but I think I'd just like him as a friend. As far as I knew, I was still madly fucking in love with Antonio, and I didn't see that changing for a long time.

"So," he said, still munching on my fries. I looked him over, and noticed what he was wearing. He had on a fucking dress. It was frilly and yellow and oh my god, why was I hanging around this guy? "did you think about it yet?" he asked me. Completely distracted by his attire, I didn't notice he'd spoken until a few moments later when he waved his hand in front of my face. "Hello? Earth to Lovino!"

I blinked. "Sorry, what did you say?" I asked him with a pathetic grin. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I asked you if you'd thought about it yet." He repeated and I blinked again.

"Thought about what?" I asked cluelessly. Jeez, I really needed to take some lessons, I was being so freaking gullible lately.

Feliks blushed, which clued me in on what he was talking about _'shit…' _I thought. "About us. I was wondering if we could, y'know, go out…maybe…" he said, looking away with pink tinted cheeks.

Oh jeez, not this again. "Listen, Feliks," I started, but he cut me off before I could even finish.

"Ah, nevermind. It's okay. I know you don't like me that way." He said, shocking me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. I thought I did a pretty good job of making people think I liked them. Even if it was only to keep them from getting upset.

"Uh, yeah." He said like it was something I should know already. "I mean, it's like, only totally obvious that you're in love with Antonio." He said, which made a shocked blush come to my own cheeks. I wanted to deny it—and I was really fucking close to—but I didn't.

"It's…obvious..?" I asked him, completely stunned.

Feliks nodded and looked a bit sad. "Everyone knows except for Antonio himself. He's so oblivious. Even when we try to tell him that you're head over heels for him, he just tells us that you're 'being nice." The blonde said. "Even though I'm pretty sure making googly eyes at him doesn't fit into the category of 'nice'."

I felt a bit offended, but didn't pursue the topic. I just raised an eyebrow at him.

"I still don't get it, how am I being obvious?" I asked, taking another bite of my fries and taking in Feliks' posture and expression. I was determined to get the truth out of him.

Feliks gave an over dramatic sigh that made me jump, and I sat back in my seat for his explanation. "It's the way you look at him! Every time he turns around you just stare at the back of his head like he's some god to you or something. And whenever someone mentions his name or even asks you about him, you get all flustered that you can barely speak."

Being informed of this did little to temper my self esteem, but I let him continue regardless.

"And how you never seem interested in anyone else. Even when I try to get your attention, you're always off in La La Land with Antonio probably." Feliks looked me dead in the eye and asked me something I hadn't really come to terms with myself just yet.

"Are you sure you aren't just obsessed with him? Because that can fool you into thinking you're in love sometimes." He said, like he knew from experience. I felt bad for him then. I mean, who knew this gossipmonger could have feelings?

I looked down at my food, suddenly no longer hungry. "I…I don't know. Believe it or not, I've been thinking a lot about that. And I'm really hoping I'm not just obsessed…it'd just be another disappointment." I said to Feliks, baring my soul for a moment. He gave me a look that said he pitied me. I would've been angry, if I hadn't taken my pills again today.

He stood up and walked over to me, giving me a hug. I think in all of my years of being alive, I had never once been hugged. Not out of tenderness and emotion like that hug that Feliks gave me. I was stunned, and I barely knew what to do. But it seemed my body moved out of instinct and hugged Feliks back, tightly. He sat in my lap so he wouldn't fall, but I didn't mind. I just clung to him as I battled in my mind over what to do. Eventually, though, he pulled back from the hug, blushing.

"S-sorry." He said, stuttering. He looked embarrassed, like he'd overstepped his bounds. I could understand how he felt that way.

"It's alright." I replied, my arms around his waist. Even though I didn't like him like he liked me (I realize how weird of a sentence that must be to read), I figured I might as well give him a chance.

"Hey, Feliks." I said to get his attention. He looked up and blushed. "Maybe I should give you a chance…I don't want to be chasing after something that isn't real." I said, though I felt odd saying that Antonio wasn't real. But the look on Feliks' face couldn't have been happier as I said this.

"Really?" he asked excitedly. "You mean it?"

I couldn't help but smile, thinking his happiness was contagious. "Really, I mean it." I said, and he pulled me in for another hug. I laughed and hugged him back, happy that I could make him happy. Then, thinking that it would be fun to make him explode, I said, "Hey," and nudged his shoulder gently with my finger. He pulled back a bit and looked up at me. I took his chin between my thumb and forefinger and leaned forward slowly before kissing him. I felt his breath stop against my lips before he kissed me back. I could feel his excitement, and it made me a little giddy too.

After a moment, Feliks pulled back to take a breath, his face flushed red. I guessed my face looked the same, but I smiled at him nonetheless. He looked embarrassed, I noticed, and I tilted my head to the side in confusion. "What is it?" I asked him. Did he feel embarrassed that we'd kissed in public?

"N-nothing…" he muttered quietly, looking away. "I just wanted to say sorry for….for what I did after I drove you home." Feliks said. My face went flush at that.

I rubbed the back of my neck slowly. "I-It's no problem. I kinda liked it anyways." I said, at odds with myself over admitting something like that. Not fawning over Antonio every time I saw him was going to be difficult to get used to. I sighed and put an arm around Feliks' waist. "What do you wanna do? Because I'm not just gonna sit here in Wendy's and make out with you all day." I joked to lighten the mood.

Feliks, still blushing, smiled and giggled a bit. "Well…why don't you come over to my house? I doubt it's all that fun at the community home…" he said, tilting his head and smiling at me. For the first time while being with Feliks, I thought he was kinda cute.

"Sounds cool." I said, putting my other hand on his thigh. He jumped in surprise and blushed brightly, looking around nervously. I chuckled. "But you have to get off of my lap before we go." I said with a grin, thinking it would be fun messing around with Feliks.

* * *

Immediately afterward, Feliks had taken me to his house. Of course, he had driven to Wendy's, so I hitched a ride to his place. And I could not believe the size of it when I saw it. "Damn rich kids." I muttered under my breath and Feliks gave me an odd look. He parked in his driveway and got out, I followed suit. As soon as I was out of his car, though, he grabbed me by my shirt and pulled his body close against mine.

"You think we could have a little fun. Y'know, up in my room~" he sang quietly, leaning up to kiss my neck. I took in a shuddering breath, moving my hands to his hips. That felt good.

I looked down at Feliks, and what I saw surprised me. Here was a cute, sexy short blonde boy who loved to crossdress and wanted to have sex with me. It would be the kinkiest thing ever. And, you know me. I just love kinky sex ;) Okay, that was a really terrible line, but hey, I can't deny the truth.

"You had me at 'my room'." I said with a chuckle, slowly sliding my hands down to grab his ass. When all of a sudden, my phone in my pocket went all out 'LISTEN TO ME BITCH' and started beeping and vibrating at the same time. Both Feliks and I jumped in surprise and stood apart from each other. "Sorry," I muttered as I fished my phone out of my pocket and looked to see who had texted me.

_'Feliks for sure, but there's more to it. Where r u, btw? U aren't home.'_ It was a text from Elizabeta. I flushed red.

_'I know it was Feliks. As a matter of fact, I'm at his house right now ;) I decided to give him a chance.'_ I sent back, and put my phone in the bottom of my bag this time so it wouldn't disturb us as much.

I looked back to Feliks and grinned. "Sorry, it was Lizzie." I said, grabbing him and bringing him close to me again. "Where were we again?" I asked with a teasing smirk and he grinned back at me. Next thing I knew, he had me by the shirt and was pulling me into his room. He pushed me down onto his bed and I grinned up at him as he climbed on top of me, straddling my waist.

….And an hour later, I lay in Feliks' bed with him, the both of us naked and panting heavily. My body was spooning his and I felt alive and relaxed for once. I leaned forward and kissed his neck gently and I could practically feel him smile. He hummed happily, and I chuckled. "If I'd known about this side of you, I'd have come running to you sooner." I said, kissing his shoulder. It seemed my lips still wanted to be everywhere on him, and it seemed like he knew it.

"Calm down," he said to me, laughing softly. "We just stopped. Give me a break." I chuckled and stopped, content now with just holding him close. I realized that this was the first time I'd had sex with anyone, but I didn't really feel like I'd lost any part of my virginity. I felt like I needed to be taken to officially be called an ex-virgin.

A knock came from Feliks' door, and he lifted his head. "Yeah?" he called, and I thought it was awesome how casual he and his family were with each other. I could never be that way with my brother, he was too uptight to be any kind of casual with me.

"Hey kiddo, there are some cops at the door asking for your boyfriend." Feliks' dad said through the door, and I froze. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Did they find out about my pills? Was I going to jail or some sort of rehab center? I didn't want to get up, and Feliks could tell.

"Hold on, we'll be out in a minute." Feliks called to his father then turned to me. "I didn't tell the cops, I swear." He said to me, his eyes wide. He was scared too. He couldn't have done it. Either way, this was a problem, and it needed to be dealt with.

I let go of Feliks and sat up on his bed, leaning over and gathering up my clothes from the floor. I started pulling them on, and Feliks started to do the same. "We'll act casual." I told him, pulling my shirt over my head. We finished getting dressed and I grabbed my things before we nodded to each other and started heading back downstairs.

Feliks grabbed my hand as we got to the door, where Feliks' dad was already standing with the cops. "Lovino Vargas?" one of them said to me, apparently recognizing me. I blinked and nodded.

"Yes, is something wrong?" I asked, holding Feliks' hand a little tighter. He hugged my side and I decided to draw comfort from that.

The officer looked solemn. "It's about your brother." He said and I sighed.

"I'm so sorry, did he get drunk again?" I said, sighing with relief that it wasn't about my pills. The officer shook his head, and I immediately wanted to take back that sigh. Something looked odd about the cop, like he'd just seen a dead body…

"…We're very sorry. He crashed into a telephone pole…he must have been drunk when he tried to drive home…" The police officer said. I blinked a few times, not quite registering what he said. Feliks let out a little 'oh' and covered his mouth, turning away as his eyes started to water. I still didn't understand.

"Wait…what?" I said. It wouldn't enter my brain. No matter what, my mind would not accept what the cops were telling me.

The two officers at Feliks' doorstep looked at each other before giving me a look of pity. I didn't understand. This had to be some joke. Some sick, twisted joke that Ivan was playing on me. Yeah, that's it. Ivan was getting back at me for walking away with Feliks that day. "Feliciano is dead, Lovino." The officers said.

Nope, not a joke. But it still sucked. I think I passed out then, because everything went black and I heard Feliks calling my name.

* * *

**Hahahahaha, you all hate me now x_X**

**But I had to do it. I was losing ideas. *shrugs***

**Oh, and I purposefully left out that fun little scene between Lovi and Feliks. I decided it wouldn't be an official part of the story, unless you all want me to write it. If I get fifty reviews asking me to write it, I'll publish it in another chapter as a flashback.**

**SO REVIEW, BITCHES!**

**Jk, I love you all. But seriously, review. XD**


	9. Chapter 9: Take My Life

**Yay, the next chapter! **

**So sorry about the end of the last chapter… *sweatdrop* I was losing points for bad plot, so I had to throw something in to keep the depressing mood.**

**And about the whole Spain/Romano thing, it will come up later, I promise. I'm just starting out so far, and this is going to be my long term successful story. The whole Pomano thing going on is only temporary, I promise.**

**Speaking of those two…they now belong in my pile of favorite crack pairings XD**

**Either way! ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

* * *

Saying that the death of my little brother was the biggest shock in the world was in no way an understatement. As it turns out, I actually did pass out after hearing the news (I do not accept the word 'faint'). But right after I got up—with a little help from Feliks—I immediately demanded to see Feliciano. I wouldn't believe that my brother was really dead until I saw it.

But that was a bad decision on my part. Feliciano had gotten pretty banged up in the car crash. He flew right out of the windshield and ten feet away from the car, cracking his skull on a rock. When I saw him…I wanted to go blind. I mean…that was my little brother.

The mortitian came up and put a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. My eyes were huge and wild and starting to glaze over. I shook my head, laughing nervously. "This…this isn't happening. This is not real." I said, running my hands through my hair and starting to pace. What was I going to do? What was I going to do? Living my life without our grandfather was bad enough, but now my brother too? How could I handle that?

"Lovino, calm down…" Feliks said, gently grabbing my arm and trying to soothe me. I wouldn't have it.

"NO!" I shouted, yanking my arm from his grasp. He looked scared, and he took a step back. My eyes were starting to well up with tears, and I bit my lip. Then I pointed to my dead brother's body and looked the three other men in the room—Feliks, the mortitian, and Feliks' dad—in the face. "That's my little brother." I said, my voice breaking. I was about to cry. Oh god…I was about to cry. "My baby brother. He isn't even fifteen fucking years old and he's dead!" I yelled, tears streaming down my face.

I was crying now, and I couldn't control myself. With a broken cry, I stormed out of the morgue and out of the police station all together. Once outside, I started pacing again, pulling at my hair. My chest and throat and head were hurting so much, it was hard to think. But I just kept seeing images of Feli's dead body, and of our fight last night. The air was cold and it stung my skin, but it did nothing to distract me from my pain. Even though I'd been taking my pills lately, I was still feeling. And feeling this much was too much to bear.

I curled into a ball on the ground and started sobbing loudly, covering my hands with my ears. That was it. I was completely alone now. I had no family, and no friends. The only person I could even kind of consider close to me was Feliks, and that was just because I'd asked him out today.

I was shaking violently, still sobbing when Feliks and his dad came outside. Feliks crouched beside me and pulled me into a hug, and I felt it. I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel anything. Especially this ragged pain in my chest. That's why I took the pills in the first place. To escape feeling anything. Because it always ended up in pain for me.

Feliks held me until my cries quieted, and he helped me stumble back to his dad's car. Feliks and I got in the back seat, and I lied my head in his lap. He brushed his fingers through my hair on the drive back to his house until I fell asleep. The next thing I knew when I woke up, I was lying on his bed the next morning, and Feliks wasn't to be seen. Though I could feel from the warmth beside me on the bed that he'd just been lying with me.

For a moment, I stayed completely still. My brain was all foggy and it was hard to think. My body felt stiff and lethargic, like it would take me an hour just to lift a finger. I tried to think through the haze to understand what was going on, but I didn't want to remember the pain. I didn't want to feel that impending loss again, that sense of permanent abandonment and loneliness.

After a while, I knew what I had to do. I slowly sat up and swung my feet off of Feliks' bed. I looked around his room until I found my bag, and I got up and walked over to it. Rummaging through the contents, my vision started to fade in and out of focus, becoming blurry and then refocusing. It was confusing and disorienting, and I had to take a moment to rub my eyes before diving my hands back into my bag. Although dazed and unbalanced, I managed to pull that small orange bottle from my bag. I shook it slightly to hear how many pills were left, and decided I should just take the rest of the bottle.

I unscrewed the cap and poured the ten pills into my hand and stared at them for a moment. I wondered if taking this many would kill me. Then I wondered if I might be able to see Feliciano and Nano again if I died. It was a comforting thought, so I felt less conflicted about taking the pills. And in two movements, I tipped five pills into my mouth each and swallowed it all.

Now I wouldn't be able to feel. Which was a comforting thought all on its own. But my head was starting to hurt, trying to think through the haze. I held my hand to my head and stared at my bag again. _'Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain'_ that's all I was thinking. I couldn't deal with the pain. So I dug around again, and pulled out some of my over-the-counter pill bottles. Asprin, Ibuprophen, and Benadryl. I uncapped the bottles and poured out ten to fifteen pills of each script before setting the bottles down on Feliks' desk.

I sat down on his bed with the pills in my hand and stared at them. _'Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the pain.'_ The thought wouldn't leave me alone. I stared at the pills and knew. There was no other way to completely stop the pain. I would keep living, keep breathing, and keep feeling. And if I kept feeling, I would keep suffering the pain. So the obvious solution was to kill myself. I didn't know why I hadn't figured it out before. I mean, of course I loved my brother, and of course I was totally head-over-heels for Antonio, but none of it ever really meant anything.

My brother never returned my love, and Antonio didn't even know who I was. I was just another stupid Freshman to him and he was a cool Junior.

I kept staring at the pills as a tear slipped out of the corner of my eye. This was it. This would fix all of my problems. I would finally be free of debt, pain, and love. Of all the trivial issues of life. I could die and finally be happy.

I tipped my head back, and poured the pills into my mouth…but just as I was about to swallow them all, Feliks came back into the room with a towel wrapped around his torso. He saw me on his bed, with assorted pills in my lap that had spilled out of my hand, and the four bottles of pills on his desk. He stared at me and I stared back at him, before he ran up to me and pulled me into a hug, screaming back through the door for his dad to call 911.

I looked down at Feliks in my arms and gave him a confused look. Why was he so upset? Didn't he understand? I was finally letting go, finally becoming free. Why was he crying? I reached up with one hand and wiped the tears from Feliks' eyes and face, smiling softly. My brain was still foggy but it was getting darker, and my vision was blurry.

"'S okay…" I mumbled, though my words were slurred. Feliks looked horrified, and he held my hand and kept crying, kept screaming. I didn't get it. Why didn't he understand?

My vision kept getting blurrier and blurrier, and it gradually started to darken. And just as I was about to black out, I saw paramedics rush into the room and drag me out. I closed my eyes and went limp and entered a period of sweet, numb bliss…

* * *

When I came to, everything was white. It was awfully bright, and it hurt my eyes. I squinted and tried to move my hand up to cover my eyes, but I couldn't move. I was confused. Was I dead? Was this some weird freaky heaven that everyone talked about? I didn't feel dead…but then again, I didn't know what it was like to feel dead, so I couldn't really be the judge of that. I slowly started to move my head and I looked around the room.

The walls were whitewash as was the ceiling and the lights were florescent. A door at the front of the room was open and I could see figures standing there. I looked down at myself and realized I was laying in a bed, and wearing weird blue paper clothes. They were light and airy and open, and it left me cold. Goosebumps started forming on my skin. I looked around again. If this was heaven, it sure looked an awful lot like a hospital…

Oh wait.

I sighed as I realized that I wasn't dead after all and closed my eyes again, laying my head back down on my pillow. If I couldn't be dead, I might as well just sleep for the rest of my life. It's the next best thing after all. But before I could pass into sleep again, I felt a gentle, tentative hand on my own. I opened my eyes and looked up at the person beside my bed. It took me a moment to register just who it was, and I smiled when I recognized Elizabeta's face in front of me.

"Morning…" I mumbled softly, and I heard what sounded like a whoosh of air in the room. I would later find out that everyone sighed in relief that I was awake and alive.

Lizzie smiled softly down at me, looking like a worried mother. I think I even saw a grey hair or two as she leaned down to kiss my forehead. "It's ten o'clock at night." She corrected me softly, but it didn't sound like she cared about the time.

I yawned softly and closed my eyes again, and felt her squeeze my hand worriedly. She didn't want me to close my eyes again. But I was tired… I squeezed her hand back and gave a small smile. "I'm alright." I murmured, breathing softly. "Just tired."

Lizzie sat down in a chair beside my hospital bed and kept holding my hand. "It's okay, you can sleep. I'll be right here." She promised me, which was oddly comforting. I nodded slightly and let myself fall asleep again, letting her hold my hand

Just because I was alive though, didn't mean I was happy about it. I knew I'd scared Elizabeta really bad, and I felt guilty about it. But I just couldn't care about it. My whole family was dead, and I was the only one left. How could I live through that? How could I know this and not want to die? It was foolish of anyone to think I could get over something like my baby brother dying.

But what hurt even worse than Feliciano's death, was the fact that the last time we'd talked to each other, we'd gotten into a fight. He was drunk, so I couldn't exactly blame him for what he said. But still…knowing that I couldn't even end things with my little brother on a good note was brutal. It hurt. A lot.

Eventually I was discharged from the hospital, and I was told to go to a psychiatrist to get a prescription for an anti-depressant as well as a more powerful emotion stabilizer, like my pills before. But as soon as I left the hospital, I tore the scripts into shreds. I didn't want to have anything more to do with pills. Nothing. I wouldn't touch another medication unless I was dead set on killing myself without anyone knowing.

I didn't go back to the community home. Instead, I moved in with Lizzie. She and Feliks got in a huge fight about whose house I should stay at, but in the end, the mother won out over the boyfriend. I couldn't complain though. Feliks has been so clingy, I haven't had room to breathe. And I understand that he was worried, but I needed a little time to myself. He was a great distraction when I needed it, but a guy needs his space.

Ever since I tried to kill myself, I'd been on lockdown security watch. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without someone knowing where I was and with my phone on me at all times, fully charged. I guess it was because they were all worried I'd try something again, but I wasn't sure anymore. I was in a state of confusion. I didn't know if I wanted to die or keep on living. I didn't really see a purpose anymore. My whole family was gone now, and it was just me. I didn't know what to do.

I took off of school for an entire week, and Elizabeta's mom [the director for the girls' academy] had a talk with our school director to let me off the hook. I was grateful. The last thing I needed to worry about right now was school. When I got back…I was met with something I didn't expect.

A lot of people were talking to me now, aside from Gilbert, Francis, and Feliks. I got condolences from Kiku, Yao, Yong-Soo, Arthur, Ludwig, Allistor, Tino, Berwald, Mathias, Nikolai, Ivan, and so many others whose names I didn't even know. I was surprised, and I ended up crying all day my first day back.

It was embarrassing, having people see me cry like that. But the others cried too, and we all talked about Feliciano. Hearing everything they said about him hurt me a lot. They had gotten to know this happy, gentle, upbeat side of my brother where all I'd ever known from him was his hate and anger. I was jealous of all of them. And it made me miss my brother even more.

But what absolutely killed me inside, what was the final blow to my already torn and damaged heart, was when Antonio walked up to me at the end of the day. He and I had never ever spoken to each other before. Never exchanged greetings in the halls, never sent or received texts from each other, never even talked to each other through our friends.

"Hey, Lovino?" he said from behind me while I was at my locker, packing up to leave. I recognized him in an instant. His deep voice, and sexy Spanish accent. It couldn't have been anyone but him. I turned around, my face showing a hint of horror.

"H-hey…" I answered quietly. I was excited, but afraid. Why was he talking to me now of all times?

"I heard about your brother." Antonio started softly, and my heart plummeted, settling like a rock in my stomach. "I'm really really sorry. He was a great guy. I was lucky to have him as a friend." He said.

That was the last straw. My dead baby brother had been friends with Antonio. Antonio, who I had been head over heels over for _years_. Antonio, who was my dream and desire. My baby brother had gotten to know him and I hadn't. And the only time Antonio ever talked to me…was because Feliciano died.

I was so angry right then. So mad, so jealous of my little brother, and so broken over everything…I bit my lip and looked away, nodding. Tears sprung to my eyes and fell down my face, and Antonio made a face of pity.

"Yeah…I'm glad you got to know him." I lied, taking my bag, and slamming my locker shut. Antonio jumped in surprise and I ran down the hall and straight out the school, not even waiting for the bell. I walked all the way to Lizzie's house, and curled up into a ball in a corner once I was inside. I covered my ears with my hands and started sobbing violently.

That was the second time so far I'd really wanted to die. Even though Antonio hadn't actually said it, he'd practically just told me 'You're pretty pathetic, and I'm only talking to you because your brother died.'

I wanted to end my life right then and there. The man I loved didn't love me back. He thought I was silly and pathetic. He was friends with my little brother and not me.

"Kill me please!" I sobbed into my knees. "I want to die!"

I want to die.

I want to die.


	10. Chapter 10: When Life Starts Looking Up

**NEXT CHAPTER!**

**Honestly, I have no Idea what I'm doing for this one, so….yeah. Just winging it. **

**Enjoi!**

* * *

Do you know the weird thing about wanting to die? You can hide it _so fucking well_. I mean, when I walked into school the next day, I looked and acted like I'd just won the fucking lottery. Some people were confused, and others were happy for me that I seemed to be 'getting better'. They had no damn clue how much I was hurting inside.

I avoided Antonio at all costs now. If I ever saw him in the halls, he would wave, and my heart would stop trying to put itself back together and burst into billions of little pieces all over again. Instead of waving back or drooling over him like I used to, before I knew how pathetic he thought I was, I sneered at him and passed by him like he was gum on my shoe. Of course, that's not how I actually felt. I was dying inside. But I couldn't let anyone know that. I didn't want to get sent to a damn hospital again.

Remember before this all started, and I used to be the most unknown kid at school? Yeah, not anymore. After Feliciano died, I started becoming more and more just like him. In other words, I became an arrogant, princessy little man-whore. I had tons of friends—I even started hanging out with fucking _Ivan Braginsky_! Feliks made damn sure to everybody that we were dating, but, well…That didn't stop me.

It's not that I wanted to be mean to him. I just loved the attention. Getting attention from people is what distracted me from the bleeding pain in my chest every day. Being a little whore was my escape, even if it was a bad one. And with becoming a whore, I got all the little perks with it too.

Sex became an every-other-day thing for me. Which, compared to before—when I was still a wussy little virgin—is saying something. All of my money went to myself now, since I was living with Lizzy. I didn't have to pay for food or a place to stay anymore, so my money started adding up. A lot.

I started going to the mall a lot. I paid Ivan to get me a fake ID, and me and the other guys who had the fakes went out drinking a lot. I sort of realized I was turning into a wreck, but I didn't really care. I was living it up and none of it hurt.

That was a lie, of course. It always hurt, in the end. After every party, every school day, every bar, every fuck, I always came home to the same empty loneliness. I was surrounded by people, so many people, and yet I felt so alone. I felt like I had nobody. My brother was gone. With the way I'd been treating Antonio, I was pretty sure he hated me. The people I really loved weren't even around or there for me anymore. I guess I had Lizzy, but that just wasn't enough.

Every night before I went to bed, I'd convince myself that I was going to kill myself the next day. "Tomorrow I'll do it." I would say to myself. "I'll just disappear."

It all hurt so much. I had nothing left to live for. Not the hope that Antonio could someday love me. Not the hope that Feliciano could someday love me. Everything I'd hoped and lived for was gone now. I just…I couldn't handle it.

But the day after—every day after—I never had the guts enough to do it. I was too afraid of something at one point or another. Getting caught. Being missed. Missing out. There was always something that stopped me. But it was becoming increasingly harder to stop. I kept thinking, and coming up with solutions. I wasn't going to miss out on anything. My life was shitty and wasn't going to get any better. I'd convinced myself of that. I seriously fucking doubted anyone would miss me. Not anyone I actually cared about at least. As for being caught…I just didn't care. So what if someone caught me? I would just try again and again and again until I succeeded, so go ahead. Let them catch me. Let them try to stop me. They won't succeed.

And it was with this mentality that I'd walked into school a few months later. Everyone thought I was fine now. Happy, funny, outgoing, whorish, but fine. No one suspected a thing. At least I thought so.

"Hey Vargas, where're you goin?" Alfred asked me as I turned away from my group of friends. I grinned back at him.

"Going to go to the bathroom, why, do you wanna watch?" I said, and Alfred's face turned bright red. I laughed with my other friends and started walking away again.

I headed to the bathroom like I said I was going to, but not to use the facilities. I walked into the bathroom, but as soon as I was inside, I went straight to the sinks. I rummaged around in my backpack for a minute. I looked up at myself in the mirrors. My face was twisted with agony and sadness. I swallowed thickly around a forming lump in my throat and started sifting through my bag again. I found what I wanted fairly easy and looked around the bathroom to make sure no one was there.

I pulled a stool from the corner of the room by a janitor's closet and pulled it into the middle of the room. I stood up on it and tied a rope around one of the water pipes on the ceiling that hadn't been covered up yet. I tied the other end of the rope into a noose, and pulled it over my head.

My mind was completely blank, aside from my repeated mantra of 'I want to die, I'm going to die'. Unexpectedly, I started thinking about Feliciano, and our grandfather. The lump in my throat became painful and tears started streaming down my face. I let out a silent, airy sob and looked down, holding the rope around my neck.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered silently, to Feli and our Nano. They wouldn't be proud of me…but at least I'd get to see them again. Having them disappointed in me was better than not having them there at all.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my growing sobs. I slid one foot forward slowly until my heel was touching the edge of the stool. I let out a very loud, pained sob as the door of the bathroom opened. I didn't hear it, and I swung my leg, kicking the stool out from underneath me.

It hurt more than I was expecting, but I didn't stop. The blood started rushing through my veins, making a loud rushing sound in my ears. My vision started going blank and my head started to hurt. My skin felt tight, especially around my face. I thought I heard voices, muffled past the rushing blood in my ears. My vision went black for a moment, and a sort of panic shot through me. This was it. I was really going to die.

I kept hearing that voice, but I couldn't understand it. Could I be hearing Feliciano, or Nano already? It didn't seem like it.

The next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor of the bathroom gasping for air, and someone was shaking me, calling my name urgently. I coughed as I took in too much air at once and clutched my chest. It hurt. My eyes were still streaming tears and whoever had found me was hugging me and crying and telling me they'd been so scared. At first I'd thought it was Feliks. I mean, it was only natural that he would be the one to follow me to the bathroom to make sure I was alright. And the only one to be crying as hard as this that I'd almost killed myself. But this person's voice didn't have that subtle polish accent that Feliks' did.

They held me long after I'd stopped coughing and gasping for air, and long after I'd stopped crying, holding me to make sure I was alright. I felt a strong, sudden urge to hug them back, and my hands moved up to broad, muscled shoulders. The scent of sweet spices and fresh tomatoes reached my nose and I inhaled deeply. Soft, curly, dark brown hair pressed against my cheek and tickled my eyelashes. And then I recognized the deep, thick, sweet Spanish accent that belonged so beautifully to only one person.

At first, it was just a mild realization. Antonio was holding me…Antonio had saved me. Then when it finally slapped me in the face, my mind went _'HOLY FUCK, ANTONIO SAVED ME!'_

Shocked and confused out of my mind, I pulled back suddenly and looked up into Antonio's deep, dark green eyes. What I saw there was pure concern and caring and emotion, and it only surprised me even more. My mouth flapped in an attempt to form words but no such noises left my mouth.

"Are you alright?" Antonio asked me seriously, brushing his fingers through my hair. I gave an involuntary shiver at that and it seemed to wake up my vocal chords.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him in astonishment. Even though I was beyond confused and shocked, I couldn't help gently rubbing my fingers over his shoulders, forcing the curves and muscles to memory as I did the same with his smell.

Antonio looked sheepish now. "I saw you walking off…and I got worried. Elizabeta and I have been talking ever since the Winter Ball, and she said to look after you. I followed you in here." He told me.

My hopes instantly plummeted, and I grimaced. "So Lizzy just told you to babysit me." I said bitterly, looking away from him. Great. Just when I'd gotten my hopes up.

Antonio grabbed my chin then, and turned my face to look at him. I blushed at his touch—calloused but totally soft and gentle—and stared into his eyes. He smiled gently at me. "Lovino, I was genuinely worried about you. You have no idea how sad I'd be if you'd actually killed yourself." He said to me. My blush got even brighter at that, and my eyes widened in shock. Did he really just say that to me?

He smiled at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. He leaned forward slowly and I watched with wide eyes, my breath catching in my throat.

And I swear, the moment his lips touched mine, I melted into a puddle of Lovino Vargas right in front of him. I'd only dreamt of kissing him so many times. And the actual thing was so much better than I'd imagined. My eyes fluttered shut and I let out the breath I'd been holding, and wrapped my arms around him, threading my fingers through his feather-soft hair

I couldn't believe it, but at the same time I could. And I was suddenly the happiest person in the world.

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo was kissing me.

* * *

**Wow…this turned out way better than I thought.**

**FINALLY, I got around to actually accomplishing the intended pairing…*sweatdrop* sorry about Poland, by the way. XD**

**Either way, I can easily say that this is going to turn into some serious Spain/Romano soon, so get ready for some smut!**

**But also, I have a feeling I'm going to end the story very soon. So…yeah.**

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


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